STAR TREK: NEMESIS WAS NOT A VERY GOOD FILM

(WARNING: if Star Trek Nemesis spoilers aren't really your thing, you should probably give this article a miss.)

Whenever you get back from seeing a film at a cinema, the first question anyone is going to ask you is, or some variation of, 'was it good?'. This is one of those unavoidable laws of nature, I suppose, as is the fact that you can only respond in one of two ways:

1. "Yes", or
2. "It was alright".

And the new Star Trek film, Nemesis (not to be confused with Zork Nemesis, Resident Evil: Nemesis or Nemesis, that old C64 game with the funny bug-eyed thing and the towers), undoubtedly fits into the latter category. Although I may be being a little generous here, and it has just occurred to me that that C64 game was called Nebulus, not Nemesis, so disregard that.

It's a well-known 'thing' among nerds and film critics that even-numbered Star Trek films are good, while odd-numbered ones smell like ass. Film critics particularly love this rule, as it gives them something to awkwardly segue into their reviews with. Nemesis is the tenth Trek film, and disproves this rule wholeheartedly.

Nemesis was not a very good Star Trek film. I got the feeling from start to finish that people were trying to tell the director what Star Trek was supposed to be like, and he spent the whole time with his fingers in his ears going 'la la la'. Let me point out an example.

Picard to Riker, when Riker is about to leave to captain his own ship: "Don't let your first officer stop you going on away missions".

BZZT! In the series, Picard NEVER went on away missions. Captains aren't supposed to. If they die, the whole ship is fucked. It's an unnecessary risk and, if Starfleet get wind of you, you get your pink slip, it's as simple as that. By the way, I know full well how much of a pedantic sci-fi nerd I'm being, so close your e-mail program and shut the fuck up while I'm talking, I don't give a toss.

So many things made me want to give the writing team a big ol' slap. Like when Picard acts like a wise-cracking action hero. Admittedly, this started with the last film. Whatever happened to the Picard we knew and loved, who enjoyed reading dull books and shouting at people? I'll tell you what happened. Hollywood happened.

Another thing I feel I should point out, and yes, I know this is unavoidable, is that the crew are all starting to look very geriatric. Troi in particular looks like someone's gran who dyes her hair and gets plastic surgery, unable to accept the ageing process. Riker is looking decidedly paunchy, but he's had that for years. LaForge no longer has a discernible chin, and is now apparently taking lessons from the Riker school of facial hair. The one I feel most sorry for is Brent Spiner, who is still desperately trying to portray an immortal, unchanging android when his second chin is flapping around. Picard is the only one who hasn't aged that much, but only because he looked about 50 years old on the day he was born.

And ah yes, the bad guy. Or, the 'nemesis' as the case may be. Shinzon, who used to be a slave on Remus but is now the leader of the Romulans. We aren't told exactly how he pulled that off, but it's probably a very fine story which the writer of the film will no doubt be happy to explain to you if you catch him at the right time. Since he didn't seem to want to in the film. Shinzon is a youthful clone of Picard with bad dentistry and who is going to die soon if he doesn't acquire some spare parts from Picard's twitching corpse. So our big bad nemesis guy is a young upstart with a terminal illness. Not quite on the same level as the Borg, is it? He's barely on the same level as an asthmatic schoolgirl. Throughout the entire film, you have the unshakeable knowledge that Shinzon is inevitably going to lose against Picard. There is no other conceivable outcome, and interest wanes fast.

Oh, and Data dies. Sorry, did I just give away too much? I did give you ample spoiler warning. Data gets blown to bits and everyone gets really emotional about it. I would probably have felt the same way, if they hadn't encountered an identical copy of Data and implanted all of his memories into him. How conVENient. B4 is the name of this prototype droid, inexplicably named after a kind of envelope, and none of the crew at any point even entertain the possibility that it could be Data's other identical brother, Lore. Again, it's director-with-fingers-in-ears syndrome.

So many things just seem to have been tacked on for imagined greater appeal. Sequences where Picard runs through the corridors of Shinzon's ship blowing people away with a huge two-handed rifle weapon, for instance. These guns are much less convenient than the hand-held phasers and do the same amount of damage; the only reason I can think of for even having them is because they look cool. Towards the end there's a bit of fisticuffs between Riker and some evil viceroy bloke that doesn't go anywhere and just ends damply when the viceroy drops down a deep shaft, Emperor Palpatine-style. Even Data's demise seems to have been included for shock value alone.

So, personally, I'm going to forget Nemesis ever happened. It would be a shame if this, as promised, turned out to be the last Star Trek film, as it's not so much a swansong as it is a funeral dirge. Be thankful then that it probably won't be the last Trek film. Jason's had two 'Final Chapters' so far and neither of those turned out to be accurate.

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