The number one search string to get to this site is, and has been for a while, 'hentai'. In fact, just the single use of the word 'hentai' in the URL of one of my articles ensures that it's the most visited page on the site besides the index. I found this rather frustrating for a while, 'cos I knew these people would just pop in and then piss off when they realise that this site is only slightly more titillating than my dead grandmother pole-dancing. Recently, however, I decided to just give up and go with the flow. So here's a hentai review of a hentai film that has hentai in it. I found it on Stile project. Warning! That's probably the least work safe link on the internet! Except maybe this one.

My print screen button, usually such a faithful associate, failed me today, and just refused to take pictures from the WMV file. So I had to download some stupid image grabbing software, which placed a little bit of text in the corner of every still I took, the cunts. I hope you search engine tossers appreciate all this.

So, I suppose you'll be wanting a title for this little cartoon. Well, to be honest, I had to play through the film twice to make sure it WAS the title. See, there's the opening title screen for the film distributor (the GREATEST COMPANY NAME EVER), then there's a black screen with the word 'stairs' on it. So I guess that was the title. Stairs.

STAIRS
a review

Yes, stairs. Well, I suppose the characters might... go up and down stairs at some point. It's not that strange a title. Add an exclamation mark and it'd be a good name for a broadway musical. About stairs.

So anyway, we open on a generic scene in modern Japan. Our hero, Makoto, the kind of spikey-haired completely generic hero we're supposed to be rooting for, I suppose, is on his way to pick up his girlfriend and give her a ride to school. Her name's Une - named after the feminine impersonal pronoun of the French language - and she appears to have herpes. Well, actually I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a beauty spot, but it's right by her mouth, man. Oh well. It'll probably come off on someone's cock before this day is out.

This is the closest this pair ever get to sex.

Anyway, when I said 'girlfriend' earlier, I meant "you go girlfriend" kind of girlfriend, rather than the "this is my girlfriend who regularly mistakes my cock for an asthma inhaler" sort. This pair are platonic friends, known each other since they were little, and have somehow successfully ignored their burgeoning mutual lust despite having their crotches forcibly connected during their daily bike ride. I don't know what it was that stopped old Makoto from enquiring after the contents of her goody basket, but he's kicking himself that he didn't get around to it when she suddenly turns out to have a 'proper' boyfriend.

He gets the first hint from his friend, who tips him off slyly to the fact that some chaps have been asking about the status between Makoto and Uno, and the final piece of crucial evidence comes when he confronts her on the train and discovers the tell-tale use of the Photoshop airbrush filter on her lovely throat.

Une hugging from behind the Amazingly Hairy Amputee.

Yes, Unicorn has a bum chum. She hops up and down on his little lord and master with grace and frequency, and she loves every second of it. About fifteen minutes into this piece of Mills and Boon-style drama we get our first piece of action - our heroine and her fuckbuddy, a tall, bespectacled chap who reminds me of Otacon from Metal Gear Solid, having a squelching party in his bedroom. Suddenly, Otacon announces that hordes of baby Otacons are about to spew from his coconut tree, and Unilateral cries that she doesn't want him to come inside her. Well, she could have mentioned that before impaling herself on his solid snake, but I guess she was too busy worrying about where she can find some Biactol for that growth on her face. Surprise surprise, he fills her full of man custard and the stage is set for a very predictable plot development later on.

Y'know, when playing hentai games, I always wondered why the developers would always force me to read line after line of onomatopoeic dialogue throughout the racy moments such as "squelch" and "splip" and the ever-evocative "splosh".* I always wondered why they did that. And now I know that hentai films do pretty much the same thing. As little Otacon thunders away into Unicycle's damp envelope, little squelchy sound effects are clearly audible. This wasn't an accident. This is animation; everything is intended. Somewhere in Japan there's an LP bearing the label "CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS VOL. 4 - VEHICLES, FARM ANIMALS AND WET VAGINAS". And you know they were made by some guy sticking his fist in a Pringles tube full of wallpaper paste.

* FUN FACT: 20% of all hentai game dialogue is made up of this sort of onomatopoeia. 30% is made up of variations on "OOOHHHH" and "AAAAAHHH", and 40% consists of dot-dot-dots.

Getting back to the story. Makoto goes into something of a decline with the news that his cycle-mate is being split like a banana regularly by the overdramatic nerd from the Metal Gear Solid cut scenes, completely unable to explain why he's so depressed about it when he never took the opportunity to spread her like country marmalade and stuff her full of the toothpaste of love (I'm going to keep making up new terms for sex until I run out, bitches). Maybe he was saving it for her sweet sixteenth. The Japanese seem to have this thing about taking a girl's virginity - I played a hentai game once where the protagonist bemoans at length the fact that a computer joystick got there before he could - so maybe that's why he's so bothered about it. And when he gets bothered by something, like all anime characters of his sort, he suddenly finds himself possessed by the inexplicable desire to bang his head against his desk, as this picture demonstrates (WARNING: CONTAINS A SPOILER).

Things go from bad to worse when Makoto demands to meet Une and express his displeasure at not being told about her new status as penis holder extraordinaire, and Une gets all pissy, saying she expected support from her best friend. Ooooh. BURN. Completely the wrong thing to say, you stupid cow. The subtext is clear: "Well, I'd have let you pot the pink if you'd asked, but since you didn't, I kind of assumed you were gay." Makoto runs off to find a desk he can bang his head against.

There's another character in this little drama I haven't yet introduced. Nonoka, a pretty little probably jailbait girl in Makoto's class who has the hots for him something rotten, wears cherry-flavour jawbreakers in her hair and who speaks like a squirrel who's been kicked in the nutsack. She gets concerned at the way Makoto's face is starting to leave an imprint in his desktop, so she sidles over and invites him to come shopping with her. Yeah, I think that's the last invitation he needed right then, bitch. Incensed with rage at being continually mistaken for a poof, Makoto kicks his table over and rants like Asuka Langley Soryu during that time of the month (one for the anime nuts, there).

Makoto knows all the lines.

Soon enough, Makoto regrets his little outburst and tells the little squeak monster that he'd love to go shopping with her, because this is a hentai film, dammit, and he's got to have someone to stick it into by the end, and the two of them go on a pleasant montage of shopping, ending with the least enthusiastic romantic dinner scene I've ever encountered (see left), while Uniform gets all broody and clutches at herself while throwing up in things. Then she gets completely ratarsed and starts spouting gibberish at her speccy boyfriend until he starts to wonder if he wasn't better off with Sniper Wolf.

Nonoka, meanwhile, makes the revelation of the decade by telling Makoto she loves him, and in the awkward silence that follows, it suddenly starts to bucket down with rain (the water gods have a very good sense of timing). It's that special anime rain that doesn't get anything wet but causes them to glow with a sparkly white aura. There's this whole sort of symbolism thing going on in this film, which is why we have to watch Nonoka and Makoto's discarded schoolbags in the rain while they make eyes at each other like a pair of chameleons. And at just the right moment, Otacon and United Nations turn up.

Japanese animators don't seem to like animating things much, which is why the expected fist-fight instead becomes the two couples staring at each other, immobile, for about half an hour, before Makoto finally can't take it anymore and legs it away, turning into the Six Million Dollar Man in the process. Nonoka continues staring at the other two for an additional half hour before running off after Makoto. Then Unicron explains to Otacon that she's pregnant with his child, and he's surprisingly upbeat about the whole affair, so much so that his hair turns green for some reason and they proceed to have masses of sex.

And good thing too. We're twenty-five minutes into a thirty-minute sex film and the only sex we've been treated to was a five-second fully-clothed fumble in Otacon's love shack, so by way of a reward for the audience for having sat through all that relationship crap, we're treated to a complete fucking orgy (well, there's no other sort of orgy, is there?) as we get to see Nonoka and Makoto having it away intercut with a sequence of Otacon and Unitarianism also having it away. Nothing much to say about this bit, except that during the thrusts Nonoka sounds like a squirrel being dribbled like a basketball against solid concrete. I'll just let the images speak for themselves. The censoring was my doing. Feel free to sing along.

SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE!

SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE!

SHAKE YOUR BOOTY!

SHAKE YOUR BOO-TAY!

You'll also note that sexually excited anime characters also generate Photoshop airbrush filters across their faces during ze sexual act, as if some merry prankster just ran past them spraying pink spray paint. Well, that's pretty much it for this story, except to note that all four characters climax simultaneously, which has got to be up there with getting five numbers and the bonus ball in terms of odds, and the film ends with Makoto riding past a river on a bike. That's about it.

So, what have we learned from this film? Well, we've learned that if you don't want to have Otacon's lovechild, tell him not to come inside you beforehand, and not when his sticky white baby-to-be is already half-way to the sultan's chamber. We've learned that the words "I like you" are a little-known Native American rain-summoning spell.

But what of the moral, Yahtzee? What of the moral? Beats the fuck out of me, I guess it's something like "Don't become someone's lifelong friend as part of your evil scheme to break her seal of freshness, 'cos you'll only end up as some sort of big brother figure and have to shag someone you've only just met as a compromise." Mind you, if some other of Japan's adult entertainment is any indicator, being a girl's blood relative needn't necessarily disqualify you.

Next week: Yahtzee continues his quest to bring in more traffic by posting Star Trek slash fiction and pointing out the spelling mistakes!

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