So anyway, after last week's badly concealed rant about a crap C64 rom I found about Nightmare on Elm Street, I felt refreshed and anew, ready to take on the world of emulation again. So I did a spot of digging around at Lemon 64 and found - brace yourselves, humanity - a rom for a game called Friday the 13th!

Well, imagine my surprise! So off I went to download and play the sumptuous treat it would no doubt turn out to be. After all, what are the odds of TWO C64 games based on popular horror movies being unplayable shit?

Keep in mind I was about a week younger then, not as wise to the ways of the world that I am now. I learnt two things from this experience - that it IS possible for more than one C64 game based on a popular horror movie to be unplayable shit, and that you should never trust strangers.

After the ROM loads we get a title screen depicting what I think was the video box art from the misleadingly named Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter. This was accompanied by a noise which was probably as close to a human scream as the C64 sound chip can manage. To its credit it did sound a lot like a human scream, but then I realised it was actually me tearing the headphones off my head as my eardrums exploded.

Anyway, then we're faced with the intro page.

If you were following that story, you may be asking yourself the rather obvious question I asked myself, that being "Exactly how do 'I' jump to the conclusion that Jason has come out to play by finding a bloodstained mask? And how do 'I' know his name?" Perhaps the mythical 'me' entity has seen some of the films, but then why did I come to Camp Crystal Lake for my holidays? In the mood for an activity-and-horrible death package tour, was I? I wouldn't doubt it. The first couple of times Jason sprung back to life at Crystal Lake must have surprised the locals, but after the seventh or eighth time I think they worked it into the tourism brochure. "Come to Camp Crystal Lake, where only 34% of visitors get brutally slaughtered!" I jest. It actually says "where 66% of visitors DON'T get brutally slaughtered!" That's called 'accentuating the positive'.

Moving on, I then found myself deposited in what looked like a church. 'Myself' being a very square young gentleman with bright yellow hair and a nice blue top. Moving through the exit to the north I then found myself outside said church, except the building seemed to have shrunk a little since I was inside it. Or perhaps I grew larger. We may never know.

This was the first time I felt the soon-to-be familiar 'What the hell am I supposed to do now?' feeling. Aside from 'FIND JASON BEFORE HE FINDS YOU!!!!' I hadn't really been given much in the way of instructions. As far as I could see I was walking around a small community composed of about 16 screens, through which other little blocky people also wandered. I also encountered a fair number of deadly weapons lying around, left there perhaps by the last one-man lynch mob seeking Mr. Voorhees. Let's take a look at some of these tools of destruction.

I don't know about you, but just the sight of these DEATHBRINGERS made me wet myself. Fortunately my character was made of sterner stuff. When I stood on top of these treasures and pressed the fire button it would disappear and reappear in the 'WEAPON' thingy on the status line. Alright! I thought. Now we're ready for some Jason-bashing fun! Alas, after wandering the area for several minutes not a single mask-wearing psychotic could be found. I did discover, however, that touching other characters made them run away. Ooh, I thought, a rape simulator too. When I touched them they all ran away to the church where I presume they sought the confessional.

But there was one cocky bastard who refused to run when I placed my lecherous hands on them! Right, I thought, we'll see who's boss! Having played around with the controls I had discovered that pressing a directional key and the fire button made my character swing his current armament, so this was what I did then to that ignoramus. Imagine my surprise when, instead of a graphic rendering of a blade tearing through flesh, the pixellated punter transformed into a slightly taller person wearing black!

That was when it all fit into place! No wonder I hadn't found any people wearing masks! Because, according to the intro, Jason wasn't wearing it! And now he was before me, swinging a big white stick at some other poor bitch, who promptly died with a repeat of the ear-splitting screech from the beginning. The swine! I chopped him with the axe again and again until I was sure only a fine powder would remain, and the screen blanked. I was triumphant! Eat that, Voorhees!

Anyway, next I find myself in the exact same place with the exact same weapons lying around, but now I was a different person, a girl with bright red hair. Ah, I thought, Jason's come back to life again. At last a game that adheres closely to the winning formula of the movie series. Oddly, however, no matter how many people I hit with my mailbox flag this time round, not one of them transformed into JV. They didn't seem perturbed at all, though. Obviously hitting someone over the head with a giant mailbox flag in this little community isn't the rather large social faux pas it is elsewhere.

Anyway, I wandered around slaughtering random people until I got bored and closed the emulator to write this damn article. Look grateful, you scum.

Incidentally, since this game didn't come with a manual, I'm including the following, a breakdown of the in-game screen for the reference of future users. Have fun.

1. Stand next to this thing, wiggle the joystick rapidly left and right then hit the fire button at the same time as you hit the keyboard very hard and you can play a Connect 4 subgame!

2. Marijuana. The corpses under Camp Crystal Lake ensure the soil is perfect for cultivating these noxious plants. Collect them for extra energy!

3. You. This is the person who you shouldn't hit with an axe.

4. It's the tree from LOOM, shown here in rare footage before it became famous.

5. Your score. This is an example of a 'bad' score.

6. You again. Nice afro.

7. Your energy meter. No I don't know why it looks like a dumbbell between two rulers, leave me alone.

8. Mailbox flags go here.

9. I've no idea what the hell these timewasters are for. Top row, from left to right - Paul Grewald, Miss Piggy, Little White Girl, Haley Joel Osment, Uncle Ben.

Anyway, that's it from me for today. If I find any more C64 ROMs based on horror films I'm sure you guys will be the first to know. Ciao for now!

Quality Rating: 12%

One-Word Summary: "Aaaaaaargh"

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links