I never thought it would be possible to make something out of the Evil Dead franchise that would so utterly suck the farts out of a fresh corpse's bum. Even if they made an Evil Dead Cereal With Deadly Anthrax Virus I'd buy it if it had Bruce Campbell's marvellous chin on the box. But I was eating my words on a rice cake when I was subjected to the monstrosity some people called 'EVIL DEAD: THE GAME'.

I'm not talking about Hail to the King, which is a more recent game in which you can play a fully 3D rendered Ash armed with chainsaw and ... chainsaw. This is some old C64 game that someone whose name I have forgotten drew my attention to some time ago. Sorry to whoever that was. If you'd like to let me know who you were I will probably call you a shameless glory-seeker, so I wouldn't bother if I were you.

Anyway, it took me about twenty years of playing to understand the point of this game, so here goes. The play area is a top-down plan of The House. You know, the Evil Dead house. From the film. It has a wobbly white thing on the front porch which I eventually decided was supposed to represent a swingy chair. You, the hero, are a little white man. I didn't see a chin, so I'm not sure if it was supposed to be Ash or not. Running around the house are several identical grey men. I don't know who they're supposed to represent, but when I twatted one with an axe they exploded and I lost a lot of energy, so I supposed they were the other humans.

You lose energy an awful lot in this game. You start with 1000 energy points, and every time you move you lose points. I'm serious. Every time an enemy touches you you lose points at a much faster rate. There is no way to get the energy back as far as I can see. I suppose either the entire cabin is awash with ankle-deep corrosive fluids (which would certainly explain the way these people walk) or the character you are playing is actually a ninety-year-old pensioner with a serious heart condition (which would also explain the way these people walk).

Apparently The House is also right on top of a magic portal connected to a dimension of war and pain and horror, because weapons keep materialising all over the place for you to trip over. Let's have a look at some of them.

Wahey! Look out, evil dead monster things! I'VE GOT THESE ON MY SIDE! I'm not sure what point they serve, because I can only use them when a monster comes right up to me, whereupon I press the fire button and the monster explodes, but not before it takes a generous slice from my energy with a noise like a Geiger counter. Also, the weapons vaporise after a while, so I guess they come from a very fickle dimension of war and pain and horror. A shotgun would be nice, you know. Then I wouldn't have to wait until the monster is giving me a friendly cuddle before I make its brains splat upon the floor a few yards away.

Ah yes, the monsters. At first, it's just you and a load of grey people wandering around randomly. Then some cloud of yellow shit which I think is supposed to represent the point-of-view shot chasey thing from the films appears and tries to get inside the house. Fortunately it cannot do this if you close all the doors and windows, but you have to run and close them all at the back of the house, too. While you're doing that your stupid, stupid, stupid friends are opening all the doors and windows again to see if the nasty yellow thing has gone away yet. Generally, it hasn't.

When a nasty yellow thing touches one of your people, he (because they are all the same, identical man) transforms into a green thing with a stupid mohawk haircut that runs after you. Your job at that point is to twat it over the head with whatever deathbringer you've been able to pick up, whereupon it splits apart into a disembodied torso, disembodied arms and a pair of cheeky disembodied legs, all of which have to be put down with more blows from your weapons. And has been previously mentioned, none of them can be killed without losing any energy. Eventually, if you manage to kill all the monsters, having lost about two of your three lives in the process, you have the privilege of getting to do it all over again. Thanks, Mr. Game, but I think I'll stop playing you now. And then I think I will delete this file from my hard drive. And then I will take out my hard drive, spread chunky lime marmalade on it and throw it in the tumble drier to destroy the presence of this game forever.

Incidentally, when you die, this happens:

You get whisked away to a mysterious dimension of incredible colour and sensation while you hear a funny little farting sound. It's like an incredible acid trip of the Heavens! I don't know about you, but if I was dim enough to believe this was really what happens post-mortem, I'll be hanging myself off a doorknob before you could say 'My, what a handsome fellow that Yahtzee is'. Mainly to avoid playing this stupid, ugly, impossible game again.

So, in summary, Evil Dead: The Game forever taints the spirit of the Evil Dead franchise forever. From now on, as I watch good old Bruce Campbell swinging his chainsaw hand and pausing to make an adorable one liner, I will only be able to think of a funny little white man running around like a stupid thing being savaged by little yellow clouds of shit. Thanks a fucking bunch, game.

If you want to see what I'm talking about I suppose they'll have the rom for this game at Lemon 64, but I'd recommend you not download it expecting an entertaining game, because that would be like going on holiday to Auschwitz and expecting the Nazis to put on a cabaret act during your gassy death.

Quality Rating: 5%

One-Word Summary: "No."

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