 FIGHT OR FLIGHT?
How
would YOU do in the great battle of evolution?
Find out in this nifty choose-your-own-adventure
experience! Start at 1, and go to the appropriate
passage when you're told. See how many ways you
can die!
1
This
is you:
A
protozoan. Single-celled animal, the very bottom
of the evolutionary ladder. On the bright side,
the only way is up.
You
will be faced with numerous possible predators or
prey. All you have to decide is whether you want
to FIGHT ... or FLIGHT? I mean, fly.
Here's
the first scenario. You are floating around in
the primordial soup when suddenly you come
across:
A
COLD VIRUS!
Poor,
maligned, misunderstood cold virus, ex-convict,
petty criminal and bringer of blocked noses
everywhere. Who could have a defence against such
a formidable enemy?
What's
it going to be? FIGHT (turn to 19) ... or FLIGHT?
(turn to 7)
2
You
have chosen to FIGHT the Larch!
Intimidated
though you are by the sheer size of the Larch,
let's not forget that the thing can't actually
move. You enjoy a few minutes of wearing your
teeth down before the whole thing topples. But
now your huge choppers are smaller than you'd
like, and you're starting to develop thumbs on
your feet. You have evolved into an APE! Go to
18!
3
Living
in a small village community with the other
neanderthal men, you are truly a force to be
reckoned with. But wait, who's this coming up to
pay his respects?
It's
NEANDERTHAL TED!
Whoops!
You've just remembered Neanderthal Ted lent you
his lawn edger and you've forgotten to give it
back! He's really out for your blood! What's a
hairy man to do?
FIGHT
(go to 8) ... or FLIGHT? (go to 15)
4
You're
swimming around in the Indian Ocean, enjoying the
warmth, but what's this coming towards you on
spindly little legs?
A
LOBSTER!
Nicknamed
'the Asian Crustacean' on the pro-wrestling
circuit, Lobster's vice-like grip has ended the
career of many a hopeful.
The
question is ... are you FISH ENOUGH to take him
on?
FIGHT
(go to 12) ... or FLIGHT? (go to 16)
5
You
have chosen to FLEE the mystery foe!
You
run for your life, running pell-mell through the
streets of the human settlement, making
frightened gibbering noises. When you judge
yourself to be far enough away, you turn around
to look at what you fled from.
It's
a KITTEN!
Well,
don't you feel stupid!
6
Little
furry big-toothed mammal, scurrying happily
through the trees with your new coat of fur,
until - gasp! - something is in your path! What
could it be?
A
LARCH!
Tall
and forbidding, the Larch is the strongest of all
the deciduous plantlife. You'd better make a
decision fast!
FIGHT
(go to 2) ... or FLIGHT? (go to 9)
7
You
have chosen to FLEE the cold virus!
What
the hell kind of wussy protozoan are you? You
haven't even got a throat to make sore, you
little piddly creature. Get to the back of the
evolutionary queue! No backbone for you today!
8
You
have chosen to FIGHT Neanderthal Ted!
Good
decision! You of course took in the most
important aspect of this fight - that Ted, for
all his strengths, is not armed, and you still
have his lawn edger. Within minutes you have
'edged' the poor sucker to death, and the
Neanderthal babes are falling all over you!
Perfect opportunity, then, to take that important
last step. You are now a MAN! Go to 17!
9
You
have chosen to FLEE the Larch!
Once
you're a good fifty feet away from the Larch, you
suddenly become aware of all the other woodland
creatures laughing at you. For years you will be
the subject of utter humiliation, and will never
be able to get a job because of what comes to be
known as 'the Larch incident'. Eventually you die
hungry and alone, spurned by all, all because you
ran away from a tree.
10
Flopping
around your pond seems like a happy time for all,
or is it? One day you notice all your little
amphibian friends have started to disappear one
by one. What could be causing this epidemic? As
the sun is blotted out by a formidable shadow,
you realise the horror of ...
A
FRENCHMAN!
Connoisseur
of all the most revolting foods in the world, the
spindly French chef is only too happy to put you
on a skewer and serve you to the tourists! What's
it gonna be?
FIGHT
(Go to 20) ... or FLIGHT? (turn to 14)
11
You
have chosen to FIGHT the mystery foe!
It's
...
It's
...
HOLY
GOLLY WOW FUCK!
It's
JASON!
What,
you think you can succeed where ten generations
of camp counsellors, a grizzled bounty hunter and
the entire population of Crystal Lake have
failed? Dream on, pencil neck! You're just
another evaporating stain on Jason's sweater in
two seconds flat.
12
You
have chosen to FIGHT the Lobster!
At
first the fight seems to be going well for you.
With a few sturdy tail-whip attacks, you've
certainly given him something to think about.
Unfortunately that will be whether he will have
you en croute or battered, as he grabs you with
his incredibly claws and squeezes the life out of
you! Boo!
13
You
have chosen to FLEE the zebra!
Your
lumbering carcass is by no means fast enough to
escape the horse-like powers of the zebra, but
you have the advantage of being able to climb
trees. From your vantage point in the branches
you bare your broad buttocks to the thing in
celebration of your imagined victory. No matter -
you're free to evolve to the next stage. You are
now NEANDERTHAL MAN! Go to 3!
14
You
have chosen to FLEE the Frenchman!
You
take to your little green heels and hop away with
all your might! There are a few close calls as
his French feet chase you through the forest, but
this is familiar territory to you, so you lose
him easily. But now you aren't really suited to
life in the deep forest, so you'd better hurry up
and evolve into a MAMMAL! Go to 6!
15
You
have chosen to FLEE Neanderthal Ted!
You
can't get away from your responsibilities that
easily! Before you're able to get ten yards
Neanderthal Ted hurls a viciously sharpened slice
of guava and it takes your head clean off! Stand
your ground next time!
16
You
have chosen to FLEE the Lobster!
Who'd
be stupid enough to take on armour and claws with
scales and fins? Sure some people will wonder if
you're really 'all that', but the point is you've
lived to fight another day. The sea you find is
starting to cramp your style; it's time to hit
the beach! You are now an AMPHIBIAN! Go to 10!
17
The
pinnacle of the evolutionary ladder, you are a
perfect example of genetics in action. But even
though you're as evolved as you can be there are
still battles to be fought. Who could take you on
now, you wonder?
It's
MYSTERY FOE!
Who
could the mystery foe be? You'll have to make
your decision to find out!
FIGHT
(go to 11) ... or FLIGHT? (go to 5)
18
Swinging
through the trees like something out of a Fatboy
Slim video, surely you can have no predators in
the natural world? Think again, hairy! Look who's
come to say hello!
A
ZEBRA!
Perfectly
coloured to be camouflaged totally in a 60's
living room, the zebra has powerful legs and a
thirst for blood! Whatcha gonna do?
FIGHT
(go to 21) ... or FLIGHT? (go to 13)
19
You
have chosen to FIGHT the cold virus!
And
good for you! So maybe you'll be sniffling for a
couple of days, is that really worse than
immediate loss of face? You have made yourself a
reputation as a cell whom it is not wise to
cross. Pat yourself on the back and move up a
step; you are now a FISH! Go to 4!
20
You
have chosen to FIGHT the Frenchman!
Well,
no-one could fault your determination, but let's
not forget that, even though the Frenchman is a
spindly little git who'd no doubt surrender the
second the fight began, you are only a little
slimy frog. By tomorrow you're boiling merrily
away in the pan, and will cause two bouts of food
poisoning. I hope you're proud of yourself.
21
You
have chosen to FIGHT the zebra!
The
first few minutes of the fight go badly, you
receiving some very harsh kicks to the head. But
then you're able to get a hold on the creature
with your huge grappling arms, and tear the
sucker to bits. Unfortunately you forgot that
zebras traditionally work in herds. Within
minutes you are nothing but a furry, greasy stain
on the floor.
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