 THE 100 QUESTIONS
So,
one of my weekend updaters - Ben 'Space Monkey'
Hall - sends me a mail containing a hundred
questions. Apparently, when you get these mails,
you're supposed to answer them all and send them
to all your friends, so you can all get to know
each other better. It sounds like a bold effort
but I have a feeling that if you ever found
yourself desperately needing to know what your
friend's favourite film is you could just fucking
ASK them. I hope Space Monkey sent me this
because he knew I'd send it up, because that's
sure as hell what I'm going to do now.
SIMPLE
QUESTIONS:
1.
Full name: Benjamin 'Yahtzee' Richard
Ermintrude Featherstonehaugh Godzilla Croshaw.
2.
Nicknames: Nick
3.
Eye Colour: 'Forest Opal'
4.
Height: 6'4, or 6'5 when aroused.
5.
Hair: Yes.
6.
Siblings: Aren't we all? Join hands and
sing, brother.
7.
Do u like to sing in the shower? Even if
I did, I wouldn't tell anyone who considered 'U'
on its own to be a word.
8.
Do u like to sing on the toilet? Yes,
nothing gets my bowels functioning better than a
few verses of Gloria Gaynor. What the fuck is
wrong with you people?
9.
Birthday: Actually, my favourite Beatles
song is Revolution 1.
10.
Sign: 'Warning: Hazardous Materials'
11.
Address: That one that started 'Four
score and seven years ago'.
12.
Sex: YES PLEASE!
13.
Righty or lefty: I prefer to keep my
political motivation to myself.
14.
What do you want in a relationship most?
See question 12.
15.
Have you ever cheated? Once, when my
opponent suffered a heart palpitation and I moved
his hotel onto Park Lane while he was distracted.
16.
MarITal status: I refuse to answer this
question until you learn to capitalise properly.
17.
Do you have a car? Not for want of
trying.
18.
What kinda car do you have/want? One
with doors and an internal combustion engine.
Say, couldn't you have just merged this question
with the last one? Who writes these things,
anyway?
FAVORITE
QUESTIONS:
19.
Movie: That one with the two guys.
20.
Song: That one with the two guys.
21.
Band/singer: That one with the two guys.
22.
TV Show: That one with the two guys.
23.
Actor: ...fuck, you're too smart for me.
24.
Actress: Cameron Diaz.
25.
Food: See above.
26.
Number: Oh, for god's sake. I can't say
I have a preference, although I do have a picture
of 97 on my locker door.
27.
Cartoon: THAT ONE WITH THE TWO GUYS.
28.
Disney Character: Yes, let me tell you
about my favourite Disney character. And
afterwards, let's all have a magical tea party
under the enchanted tree, then we can have a
delightful game of pooh sticks, you fucking
pansy.
29.
Colour: 'Forest Opal'.
LOVE
LIFE ETC:
30.
Do you plan on having children: Not
while I have my strength, I don't.
31.
Do you want to get married: I refuse to
continue this test until you learn to use
question marks.
32.
How old do you wanna be when you have your first
child? That's better.
33.
How old do you wanna be when you're married:
Old enough to not be aware of the fact that I'm
getting married.
34.
Would you have kids before marriage:
Isn't there some kind of interactive version of
this quiz which removes this question if you
answered 'no' to question 30?
35.
Do u have a b/f or g/f (who)?: No, but I
have a b/f or g/f in the Monkees.
37.
Do you have a crush: Only when I pack my
shopping carelessly.
EITHER-OR
(PICK WHICH ONE YOU PREFER)
38.
Music/TV: What if I'm watching music ON
the TV? Ha, I have outsmarted this foolish quiz.
39.
Guys/Girls: Actually, I preferred Joseph
And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat.
40.
Green/Blue: 'Forest Opal'.
41.
Pink/Purple: Again, is there a way to
remove this question if you answered 'girls' to
question 39?
42.
Summer/Winter: The one that doesn't
feature wasps.
43.
Night/Day: Oh, please.
44.
Hangin Out/Chillin: I have a feeling you
were watching the opening sequence to the Fresh
Prince of Bel-Air when you were trying to come up
with questions for this quiz.
45.
Dopey/Funny: I don't remember any
dwarves named Funny.
46.
You know I'm around when you hear: I
dunno. Moronic questions?
47.
What school do u go to? University of
life, man.
48.
Have you ever taken drugs? Yes, but they
made me give them back.
49.
What's a major turn on for you? The rank
above a captain turn on, I suppose.
50.
How far would you go on a first date?
About four miles, but any more than two and I'd
have to catch a bus.
Next
Week: The Other Fifty Questions!
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