 HOW TO BE BRITISH
So
there I was, minding my own business, idly
flicking raisins at a ceiling fan and watching
them ricochet with lethal speed in random
directions, when I received a mysterious e-mail
from a mysterious stranger:
"Dear
Mr. Yahtzee,I sadly, did not have the extreme
fortune to be born and raised in the U.K.
I... I am an American. A fact I am not proud of.
As a result, in the future, when I have the funds
and the ability to leave the country I plan on
doing so, and living either in England or
Ireland. Hopefully the former.
So, I was
wondering if perhaps you could help out by
writing an essay on your lovely website titled
"How To Be British" or something to
that effect. In this essay, as the title implies,
you would explain not only how wonderful it is to
be from your native country, but also explain to
us slow and dim-witted Americans how to be a
proper English gentlemen or lady.
Thank you
very much for even taking the time to read
through this email, and thank you even more so if
you are considering to grant my request.
You're my hero Yahtzee.
Sincerely,
Amanda"
And
since I didn't have anything better to do, I
figured, what the fuck. Let's write the poor dear
an article for the benefit of her and any other
poor saps who for some reason think this
country's a better place to live than wherever
they are now. Unless they're from Antarctica or
something, but at least Antarctica isn't run by
grinning bastards demanding more income tax to
spend on large pointless marquees.
Anyway,
here we go: my guide for clueless immigrants on
how to become British.
Step
1. Looking the part
The
national dress of Great Britain is, from the
ground up, a pair of Roman sandals, a kilt, a
gunbelt, a t-shirt bearing the likeness of Mr. T,
a garland of flowers and a horned Viking helmet.
It is advised that you arrive in the country
dressed in this manner, as any other outfit may
cause you to be ostracised and lynched. Once you
have been in Britain for a little while, you may
be permitted to remove the helmet and/or the
garland when out in public, but you'll only be
able to wear something completely different after
you've been in the country for twelve years, or
have embarked upon a de facto/married
relationship with a British citizen for eight
years.
Once
you've reached that stage, you still have to be
very careful what you wear. Like in the film
'Logan's Run', what you wear dictates your
status. There are many different signals
different articles of clothing can give off in
Britain. For instance, people who are fond of
detective dramas wear black shoes with grey
socks, and people who enjoy listening to Soft
Cell's 'Tainted Love' wear their collars two
centimetres below the hairline. This is not to be
confused with wearing your collar 1.8 centimetres
below the hairline, as this means "I enjoy
sudden, unexpected homosexual rape; come and get
it, boys."
If
you're unfamiliar with the right codes and
worried about creating the wrong impression, then
try to only go out in public on days beginning
with T, as these are days when public nudity is
legal and, indeed, keenly encouraged.
Step
2. Mastering the language
As
you should know from the depiction of British
people in American films and television, all
British people speak Cockney rhyming slang at all
times. This has gradually developed from idle
inanity to full-blown language, and may seem
slightly intimidating to the newly-arrived
traveller. To help you get by, here are some
all-purpose phrases:
"Please
direct me to the station"
"I enjoy frenzied masturbation"
"I
would like to order the chicken chausseur"
"You are an incredible tosser"
"Good
evening, officer, do you have the time?"
"Why don't you piss off, you mound
of execrable slime? I bet you don't even know how
to use that truncheon. Come on, let's have a
fight, you pansy."
"The
government is doing a fine job."
[Not applicable; you will never say this]
Step
3. Understanding local customs
-
"Twilight" is the Word of the
Millenium. Whenever anyone says that word, it is
customary to yell like a foghorn and punch that
person in the face. (the previous Word of the
Millenium was "Haughty".)
-
The Queen is universally despised. Going around
with a sandwich board bearing a Photoshopped
picture of her violent rape and murder will help
you gain acceptance.
-
When watching a football game in a public house
with many hooting skinheads, it is an ancient
British custom to change the channel just before
a goal is scored. Do this to show off your
impressive knowledge of the country. You will
quickly gain many new friends.
Step
4. Some sights to see in Britain
Big
Ben and the Houses of Parliament
Possibly
one of the most famous icons of Britain. MPs are
notorious for their excellent sense of humour;
why not pretend to be a suicide bomber and take
them all hostage with imitation machine guns?
They'll have nothing but appreciation for your
excellent joke!
Buckingham
Palace
Why
not stop off for a visit to the Queen's London
residence? It's a little known fact that if you
can knock off the furry hats of three Buckingham
Palace guards, you win a coconut.
The
Millenium Dome
It's
all been closed down now, but you can still visit
the wreckage and think to yourself, like so many
have thought before you, "Why the fuck did
they charge an entrance fee for this thing when
they built it with taxpayer's money? Have they no
shame?" No. No, they do not.
updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links
|
