ADVANCED ASTROLOGY

People have been following horoscopes for centuries. A lot of other people say it's a load of romantic bollocks believed only by girls and fat hippies. Personally I like to keep an open mind, but I sometimes find it difficult to believe that one-twelfth of all the people in the world are the same. I find it a little fishy to say the least how a single paragraph in the morning's Daily Mail can apply to the daily lives of 8.3% of the world's population.

I also find it a little fishy that there's never anything seriously negative in the horoscopes. I mean, it's perfectly possible that one in twelve people in the world will all die simultaneously, why don't horoscopes ever say "Get that last will and testament done, all hell's a-coming"?

Actually that's not very likely at all. But in response to all these people saying astrology is a load of poopy pants, I and my dedicated team of researchers have been star-gazing and reading dull books for the last sixteen years, and have come up with a horoscope for the EXACT DATE AND TIME OF YOUR BIRTH.

Pretty soon Yahtzee Publications will be releasing all twenty of the two thousand page volumes that make up the Yahtzee's Advanced Astrology, 1910-1990 edition, available to buy from all major shopping channels and websites for just 1999.95. For an extra twenty quid we throw in a magnifying glass which, frankly, is the only way you're going to read the titchy writing. OK, so it's probably not the most riveting of reading matter, but it looks jolly impressive on the bookshelf.

For all you skeptics out there, here's a free sample!

Born 14th August 1919, between 4:00am and 4:15am:

Sign: Dundeecakus
Animal: freakish Aphid/Leopard hybrid
Rock: Mixture of granite and basalt
Colour: The sort of dark purply-green you see when you close your eyes too hard

Horoscope: You live in a rent-controlled apartment in a medium-sized industrial town and work in catering. You fought in the Second World War and acquired a scar two inches above and to the left of your right eyebrow. Later in life you will be offered a position as head chef in some swanky French-style restaurant. At some point you will knowingly cook frogspawn for someone you don't like. You will die on the 26th of February 2003, having been crippled by arthritis for several years hence, eventually giving up the ghost after falling off a stool.

Born 2nd March 1956, between 2:30pm and 2:45pm:

Sign: Joancollinsi
Animal: could be either an ant with two missing legs or C.S. Lewis. Bob spilt his coffee on the chart to be honest.
Rock: Sort of sandy residue on the underside of workmen's boots
Colour: The kind of off-white a white t-shirt gets after being washed fifteen times at 40 degrees

Horoscope: You were born into a poor family and will more than likely die in one too. What little talents you have cannot in any way make you rich or famous. You wear bent spectacles and have dark greasy hair, and although people say otherwise, no-one really likes you much. You're already going bald and people like to treat you as a piece of furniture. You will occupy the same dead-end position in the same dead-end job for the rest of your natural life, and will die in 2010 from a combination of executive stress, scotch whiskey and a large man with a switchblade.

Born 24th May 1983, between 6:15am and 6:30am:

Sign: Eezthayus
Animal: Stag during mating season.
Rock: Stainless steel
Colour: Tie-dyed fluorescent green.

Horoscope: You are a gift to humanity, probably one of the wisest and handsomest persons in the entire history of mankind. You wear spectacles and have gelled-back brown hair. You probably don't go outside as much as you should, but that doesn't matter because you are just inherently perfect. You design amateur adventure games and write pointless bits of supposedly comic fol-de-rol for your own gratification, publishing both on the Internet to the complete indifference of your audience. You will live a long life and die, rich and famous, during the nuclear holocaust in 2062.

Still not convinced? Just pay us through the nose and we'll send you the complete Advanced Astrology! And as an added bonus, everyone who orders Advanced Astrology goes on our Free Massage list! Every week a group of burly men will come to your house and perform an invigorating massage upon your person, right in your own home! For 100 a week they won't bring any weapons, and for as little as 500 a week, they won't turn up at all! Sign up today! Remember, Advanced Astrology isn't available in shops, because they ask too many questions.

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All material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw
Copyright 2002-2004 All Rights Reserved so HANDS OFF, PIKEY