ASK YAHTZEE 3

Hello, plebeians! It's time for another edition of my semi-regular Q&A column, Ask Yahtzee! Yes, I've managed to scrape together enough questions from old e-mails and messageboard threads to squeeze out another. Remember, if you have a question you feel you'd just murder your children to get the answer to, send them to the usual address, if only for junior's sake!

Now then, let's begin this week's cavalcade of conundrum-conquering!

The primate-tastic Charlie Monkie asks:

If Jesus Christ really was the son of God and Mary,was God any good in bed? plus if God really is an onipotent God why couldn't he give himself a decent name?

That's an excellent question, Charlie Monkie! Are you any relation to that tosshead on the Coco Pops boxes? Somehow I get the feeling you are!

In answer to your first question, of course God was good in bed! He's perfect in every way! God not only knows the secret path to the clitoris, but he's also aware of a little nerve just underneath the right shoulder blade connected directly to a lady's pleasure centre! He could make his girlfriends come just by sitting next to them in a cinema! Some say he designed the shoulder nerve so no-one else would know about it, and his reputation as the greatest lover in the universe would remain intact.

If God had a flaw, it was that he was crap at names, as you have already pointed out. What the hell kind of name is God? That's not a name, that's what he is. It's like those people who call their cat 'Pussy'. While we're on the subject, why 'Earth'? Isn't that just what it's made of? He was going to call the baby Jesus 'Mewling Shit' before the fourteenth Mrs. God stepped in.

SkinnedAlive inscribes:

Why do buskers busk when they make so little money?

That's an excellent question, SkinnedAlive! Tell me, when your skin grows back after a few days, do you rename yourself NotSkinnedAlive or just flay it all off again? Just curious!

As anyone who's played Gabriel Knight: Sins Of The Fathers can tell you, there's a lot more to buskers than meets the eye. Indeed, buskers are the spearhead of a vast homeless invasion force that exists beneath the streets of London, holed up in barracks and organised by a mysterious figure known only as "Homeless X". The biggest joke amongst this growing army is that they are funded by the very people they intend to kill; any money that goes to buskers and other homeless goes into the invasion fund, to be spent on firearms! You yourself could pay for the bullet that kills you dead!

However, what with the somewhat gradual nature of a accruing income in this manner, the takeover has been pencilled in for the late 25th century, but that doesn't mean you can't do your bit now! Kick those homeless in the head and smash their instruments! History will remember you as a patriot, even if you do get the shit kicked out of you today.

Getting back to buskers, they have a secondary purpose, and that is to communicate coded messages to their fellows. They used to communicate through the Big Issue, but eventually decided that that was too big a security risk. For future reference, here's a handy guide to the codes:

Jane Sherwood enquires:

What does "Shpadoinkle" mean?

That's an excellent question, Jane Sherwood! Are Robin Hood and his merry men paying the rent on time?

The word 'shpadoinkle' or 'spadoinkle' derives from the popular song:

"The sky is blue, and all the leaves are green,
My heart's as full as a baked potato,
I think I know precisely what I mean,
When I say it's a shpadoinkle day."

This was a popular song among miners in America during the time of the Wild West, but what does it mean? Well, in those days, working in a mine was long, tiring and very, very dark. Miners found that they had extreme difficulty seeing calendars in the gloom of mountain tunnels, and the constant sound of picks and explosions affected their minds and caused them to lose certain memories. Most miners totally forgot the names of the days of the week, and so found themselves having to invent new ones. These included "Magomby day", meaning "the day when the post arrives", "Slagpuppy day", meaning "the day Big Frank decides he needs to rape someone", and of course "Shpadoinkle day", which is just the day before the weekend.

Interestingly, the miner who came up with 'shpadoinkle day' and the associated song went on to found the popular 'TGI Friday' chain of restaurants.

I think that's all for this week! Remember, keep those questions coming in to my email, and don't fuck your sister! Society will not smile on your union no matter how hot her lithe young bod is!

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