ASK YAHTZEE 2

It's time for the second ever instalment of my occasional question-answering column, in which readers who find themselves consumed by intellectual turmoil can come to find the answers to the questions that trouble them so! Whether the answers they receive are the answers they actually want is a matter for conjecture, but let's not let empty-headed theorising get in the way of truth and integrity! Wow! Lots of questions came in since the last column! Remember, if you have one you'd like to tackle me with, mail it to me with all speed!

kharnie writes:

"Why do males have nipples?"

That's an excellent question, kharnie! How are your brothers Chilli and Con? Never mind.

Now, a lot of people would have you believe that men have nipples because all human beings adhere to the same genetic template regardless of gender. This is, in fact, wrong and completely against the holy word of God. In the Bible, we are told that Adam was created before Eve. Why should he have had nipples just because Eve was due to be a lactating creature? It's stoopid! When God designed the nipples for Adam, he had a whole other purpose in mind.

It's a little known fact that the Garden of Eden was also home to the first ever supermarket. Full of all the wondrous bounties of nature and staffed by intelligent robots! Before the creation of Eve, Adam went there on many occasions to fill the empty void in his life with mindless consumerism, and would buy all manner of wonderful things! Trouble is, he would often have four bags of shopping and only two hands! How could he carry them all to his car in one trip? Why, with his nipples, of course! By attaching a ring to each one he could suspend two more bags of shopping from his torso. That's why people pierce their nipples; it's a tribute to Adam's pioneering spirit!

You may be wondering how Adam was able to lift shopping with his nipples without them tearing off. Well, I refer you to the secret, repressed version of Genesis, chapter X, verse Y.

Y. And verily was God so angered that Eve had partaken of the forbidden fruit, that he declared first that childbirth would hurt like buggery, and removed the carbon-fibre reinforcement from Adam's nipples, and verily did they never lift shopping again.

And now you know!

lattice of lettuce writes:

"If Snickers really satisfies, why do they make a king size bar?"

That's an excellent question, lattice of lettuce! I'm glad to see the bizarre madness that caused you to name yourself that did not extend to your interrogative skills!

Snickers bars do claim to really satisfy, but take careful note that they do not mention exactly how much of Snickers must be partaken in to achieve the satisfying effect. It is not referred to simply because the amount of snickers required to satisfy varies from person to person. I took the liberty of making a chart detailing how much Snickers would be required to satisfy certain demographics:

If you don't understand the Marianne Faithfull reference, go ask your mum! And don't come back until you have a satisfactory answer!

Chris Bayliss writes:

"The Invisible Hentai Girl arouses me. Should I seek help?"

That's an excellent question, Chris Bayliss! My, an awful lot of people called Chris contribute to this site!

For the benefit of you and anyone else with the same problem, let me assure you that it is perfectly natural to be attracted to the mysterious Invisible Hentai Girl, as one of her breasts is lopsided. No real women have lopsided breasts, which gives her an element of fantasy! Ho ho ho, not really. In her invisibility, the Hentai Girl is safely anonymous. The reader can project the face of any woman they want onto her, from Cameron Diaz to Anne Robinson! Hell, you could even pretend she's your girlfriend and enjoy guilt-free masturbation! So for that reason, there's nothing wrong with fancying her.

There is, however something wrong with fancying a collection of pixels on a computer screen. Ha ha ha! PERVERT!

The sublimely named egg head cheesy bird writes:

"Why have you not made an "are you a smacktard" flowchart yet?"

That's an excellent question, egg head cheesy bird! Here's the answer:

Thus concludes another exciting instalment of Ask Yahtzee. Remember, if you have a question, mail it to the usual address! I'm going now to stick forks behind my eyelids and entertain my grandmother!

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