WHERE ARE YOU GOING WHEN YOU DIE?

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1. Are you baptised?

A. Yes, it was the best day of my life.
B. Yes, and I pissed in the font. Ha ha ha.
C. No, I'm a buddhist.
D. No, I'm a pretentious git.
E. No, I'm too busy being murdered.

2. What's your idea of a great night out?

A. Sitting at home reading a bible verse to my children.
B. One that I can't remember the following morning.
C. Wearing orange robes and practising astral projection.
D. Sitting around in beatnik clubs badmouthing religion and reciting bad poetry.
E. Having tea with my wife while she slips little white pills into my cup and hopes I don't notice.

3. What's your favourite film?

A. 'Jesus of Nazareth'
B. 'Full Metal Jacket'
C. 'Seven Years In Tibet'
D. 'Yellow Submarine'
E. Any of the Jason films, except 3, 5 and 8.

4. What are you most likely to say if someone comes up and stabs you?

A. 'God save me!'
B. 'Satan save me!'
C. 'Not again!'
D. 'Aaaah! Fuck!'
E. 'Oh, hello dear, couldn't you sleep AAAAH!'

5. Who is your idol?

A. The Pope.
B. Marilyn Manson.
C. The Dalai Lama.
D. John Lennon.
E. Some guy who didn't get murdered.

6. What would you rescue from a burning house?

A. My bible and my children.
B. Whatever I could find in the first room I got t - oh, you mean if it was MY house?
C. Nothing, as I have renounced all wealth and possessions.
D. My black poloneck sweater.
E. Nothing, because I burn to death while my wife runs away with the insurance form, cackling.

7. What school did you go to?

A. St. Teresa's Boarding School for Clean, Healthy, Pious Children.
B. I didn't catch the name before I burnt the place down.
C. A small temple high on a Tibetan mountaintop.
D. One of those modern ones where the teachers all wear black poloneck sweaters and insist you address them by their first name.
E. I cannot answer this question as someone is sticking a knife in my ear.

8. How often do you speak the word 'fuck'?

A. Never. Bad words make the little baby Jesus fill his nappy.
B. Every fuck other fuck word fuck.
C. I'm afraid I only speak whatever language they speak in Tibet.
D. Why does it matter? It's just a four-letter word like any other.
E. I'm serious, it's really sharp, and I think it just burst my eardrum. Help me, somebody.

9. How do you spend your days off?

A. Giving food to homeless people.
B. Taking food from homeless people.
C. Meditation to hone my amazing mind-powers.
D. Writing irreverent websites.
E. UuuuurrhAAAAAAHsplurgysplurgyUH

10. What do you do immediately after sex?

A. Run to the shower, then to my local priest.
B. Pay the woman and go home.
C. What's that?
D. Stare at the ceiling.
E. (silence)

THE TRUTH

MOSTLY A'S: HEAVEN

Congratulations, you are a pious, penitent, good Christian who can expect to spend the next billion squillion years singing hymns and watering pot plants. Hey, to each his own.

MOSTLY B'S: HELL

You're a bad, bad person, and you're gonna get your just desserts as one of the Damned. Look on the bright side, though. Sometimes they stop putting hooks through your flesh to give you one of those weird psychological tortures where you're travelling down an infinitely long corridor and you just know there's something behind you but you can't see it.

MOSTLY C'S: REINCARNATION

I take it from your answers that you're a buddhist, so it doesn't really matter what I put here as buddhists renounce all wealth and possessions and as such wouldn't have a computer to read this on. Flippidy flippidy booby yaga!

MOSTLY D'S: LIMBO

You're a pretentious poser, but you can't go to Hell since you haven't been baptised. Your fate lies around the edge of Hell, where you shall spend the rest of eternity drinking cappuccinos and reciting your bad poetry to a captive audience. I'll see you there, friend.

MOSTLY E'S: GHOST

You are one of the murdered dead, and as such your soul cannot rest. You must bring vengeance upon your murderer, and your only resources for doing so are the abilities to walk through walls and go woogy woogy. The best of British luck to you.

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