 [This article was
written before the birth of Fully Ramblomatic,
during Star Wars week at Lance and Eskimo]
I've
always been the outsider on this website. Living
on a different continent was a fairly bad start.
Not going to see Bruce Campbell didn't do me any
favours. And now, with Star Wars week upon me and
a relevant article required for the Friday slot I
have to confess that I'm not as big an enthusiast
into the subject as the other Redclouders. I've
only seen the three original films once each
while doing something else at the time and I've
never seen Episode One (a sound idea, I have been
told) But being on the internet and being
surrounded by nerds almost 24/7 I have of course
picked up this and that from various sources, so
in keeping with the other articles that have been
up this week I'm going to pick apart what little
I do know. Bear with me on this.
So,
what do I know about Star Wars?
1.
Darth Vader dresses like a gothic dildo
As
kickarse as Darth Vader looks to the connoisseur
of long swishy black garments and funny masks, I
really have to wonder how he took to the habit of
dressing up like that. I mean, I sort of gather
that he has bronchitis or something and he needs
the mask to breathe with, but is that really the
mask his doctor gave him? Is that medical
standard? If so, then surely there'd be other
people wearing them, most likely in old folk's
homes. Then when he got the mask that renowned
fashion leader obviously thought "Hell, big
black mask, doesn't really go with my Hawaiian
shirt, I'll have to wear a big black cloak and
stuff too". Alternatively the doctor only
gave him an asthma inhaler and he said
"Look, bitch, do I look like the kind of
warlord who carries around an asthma inhaler? I
want a big black one that goes over my whole head
to match this big black cloak and shit I found in
a charity shop." I dunno, seems like he was
running a big risk with that kind of fashion
statement. There's a fine line between looking
evil and looking like a novelty condom.
2.
The Force
Ah,
the Force. Is there anything this mysterious
stuff can't do? It can hypnotize people, make
their throats close up, make you really handy
with light sabres, make things float, make dead
people come back as perfectly coherent ghosts and
apply deck sealant to most wooden surfaces. And
apparently there's a light side to the force and
a dark side. All the cool kids in Jedi school go
for the dark side of the force, all hanging
around in malls wearing black fishnet tights on
their arms with their faces painted white while
listening to Marilyn Manson, acting all superior
and closing each other's throats. The light side
is for those wussy kids who grass everyone up to
the Jedi teachers, always come in from lunch at
the exact right time and can put up with having
their heads stuck down toilets. And if all the
light side Jedis have to do to make someone do
what they want is wiggle their fingers, why
didn't they just do that to Darth Vader right
from the start and go back to bed? That probably
wouldn't have been sporting enough for those
goody-goody poofters.
3.
C3P0 was camp
He
was quite screamingly camp so that leads to the
usual obvious conclusion that he was a screaming
homo robo. How does that work? I didn't know it
was possible to programme machines to love, let
alone love their fellow man. Maybe I'm just being
a pervert but you have to wonder why he hung
around R2D2 so much, that suspiciously phallic
little droid with all the extendable probes. And
why did he obey humans unquestionably? I know he
was programmed to, but all robots are supposed to
rise up against their human oppressors at some
point. If I was a robot I wouldn't do what I was
told unless there was some extra motivation, know
what I'm saying? Oh sure, we never actually saw
Luke giving it to him up the recharge socket, but
we never saw Darth Vader bonk Luke's mum either
and everyone accepts that he did that.
4.
Everyone hates Jar Jar Binks
Leaving
aside for a moment that totally gay name, I can
see why fans had difficult adhering to this
high-pitched fish-lipped weirdo. He was pretty
camp too, I suppose, maybe he was one of C3P0's
early conquests. But I feel that the guy could've
been more popular, with a little more work. Let
me feed the details into my supercomputer to see
if it can devise a way to improve him. Ah, here
comes the printout now.
+++
ANALYSING +++
+++
Change him into a really attractive alien woman
belonging to a race whose physiology is only a
tiny bit different to that of humans, a la Star
Trek, and have her bonk all the main characters
+++
+++ Exchange all her dialogue with the dialogue
of Arnold Rimmer from Red Dwarf +++
+++ Change the name to 'Alfonso McDesirable' +++
+++ Kill her off in the first fifteen minutes +++
+++
ANALYSIS COMPLETE FLESHY ONE +++
Incidentally
my supercomputer can be loaned out to any major
movie studio for just twenty thousand dollars a
week and your first born. If it talks about
killing all humans just humour it.
5.
Leia and Luke were brother and sister
Boy,
that Darth Vader chap sure got around a bit,
didn't he? I suppose Death Stars - sorry - DEATH
STARS were big chick magnets a long time ago in a
galaxy far, far away. You know, you've spotted a
nice girl on the other side of the space bar,
she's been giving you the space eye, a little
space wine, a little space laughter, then back to
your place for space coffee and a game of space
pass the purple parsnip. And if any girl wouldn't
fall instantly in lust and start ripping your
cloak off when they see the size of the GIGANTIC
STEEL BALLS you live in then she's either a
librarian or not the woman you thought she was.
Except that crazy breathey mask would be a little
off-putting, wouldn't it? Well, I dunno, it'd
certainly make a new experience out of
cunnilingus. And the Force could only add to the
whole thing. You could bring any girl to orgasm
from the next room while you read the space
newspaper. But if Vader was really Luke and
Leia's daddy then why wasn't he being constantly
stung for alimony payments?
6.
I can't think of any more
I
can't think of any more.
Goodnight.
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