FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT

You may remember my recent article in which I elaborately explained the need to bring back spanking. Well, not having received much support from many quarters in my holy quest, I decided to take my argument higher. To this end I wrote to my area's Member of Parliament, a Mr. Andy King, with the following letter. Hold onto your horses, we're getting in way over our head now.

Dear Andy "Rugby and Kenilworth are my bitch" King,

You don't know me but let me assure you I am one of your constituents. No, really. I live in Rugby. Draw on my face and send me to Djibouti if I tell a lie. I write weekly articles for the humour website LanceandEskimo.com, which is run by people who, through no fault of their own, are American, or American-Canadian hybrids, but I am nonetheless British. It's part of my spiel if you will. So you don't know me and I don't know you. Until I decided to write to my MP I wouldn't have known who you are. I keep myself detached from politics, mainly because it's so fupping dreary. Not that I think you're dreary, Andy, I don't know you that well, but judging from the picture of you I found on EPolitix.com, I wouldn't say that you're exactly Johnny Dangerous.

Anyway, you'd better listen to me, 'cos (a) I'm 18, and we all know how much you New Labour jobbies want to get in touch with us young whippersnappers, and (b) I have the answer to our country's problems.

Let's face it, today's youth is running riot. I can't read the paper nowadays without hearing about more vicious crimes committed by these thuggish kiddies and getting away with it 'cos we're trying to show them understanding and get through to them. BZZ! Doesn't work, Andy. Little bastards as young as 10 are running amok. Pretty soon we'll see toddlers fleeing from broken storefronts loaded down with Teletubbies merchandise, and possibly even foetuses with switchblades attacking abortion doctors. Kids are hardly the innocent little scamps they once were. They're vicious, psychotic little sadists who have to be taught how to behave. If we want to get through to them, we need to be vicious psychotic sadists ourselves. Know what that means, Andy?

SPANKING!

I'm not just saying we should relax the laws on parents doing it to their own kids. I'm saying we should empower the police to deal them out as they see fit. Even tearaway teenagers should be put over someone's knee and have their bottoms reddened until the very thought of ram-raiding causes a twinge in the posterior. "Even small children?" I hear you cry. "Especially small children!" I cry back. Small children love being cruel to each other. They need to have right and wrong drummed into them from an early age. Stern talking-tos are only threatening if the promise of spanking is in the subtext, and if spanking's not allowed then they don't work!

Surely you must agree my argument is sound! Now get back to me so we can discuss a plan of action!

Ben 'Yahtzee' 'Damn, I'm smooth' Croshaw

P.S. Does Tony appreciate feedback? 'Cos as PMs go, I think he's doing shit.

So, that was the letter I sent. And would you believe it, not one week later I got a reply!* Here's the letter I received**:

* No I didn't.
** Made up.

Dear Mr. Croshaw,

Thank you for your [INCREDIBLY INSIGHTFUL] letter.

Unfortunately [I HAVE ANAL WARTS, BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE] smacking children is [A BRILLIANT IDEA, WE ALL WISH WE'D THOUGHT OF IT HERE AT 'THE HOUSE', WE ARE IN YOUR DEBT. WHAT ON EARTH WERE WE THINKING WHEN WE MADE IT] illegal, [WE MUST HAVE BEEN DRUNK ON POWER OR SOME SHIT! WHOOPS, MUSTN'T SAY THAT, IT'S CONTROVERSIAL] and politically incorrect. There are other, less [BRILLIANT AND FOOLISHLY LESS] violent ways to make unruly children behave which [NEVER] work, so your argument is [SHEER GENIUS. INCIDENTALLY I THINK FLARED TROUSERS ARE] obsolete.

I must warn you that [WE MIGHT WANT TO MAKE YOU PRIME MINISTER BECAUSE THE CURRENT ONE'S A COMPLETE NO-HOPER!] your letter [WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF OUR DAY, FRANKLY, AND] has been passed on to [THE QUEEN, WHO HAS BEEN THINKING ABOUT GIVING YOU A KNIGHTHOOD! SHE ESPECIALLY AGREES WITH YOUR IDEA TO EMPOWER] the police [WITH THE OPTION TO SPANK CHILDREN! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!].

Yours sincerely

Andy King

P.S. The prime minister appreciates your comments [YOU HOT, SEXY MAN].

I don't know about you, but I call that a pretty positive response! See you next week, kids!

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links