PERSON WITHOUT GIRLFRIEND

As regular readers of Fully Ramblomatic should know by now (bloody hell should they know by now), my girlfriend Sarah went to Australia this week without me, leaving me to try and make enough money to follow her. Let me assure you at this point that she does know about this, and I'm not trying to stalk or her anything.

So, for the next few months, it seems I have been demoted in the nerd heirarchy to 'Nerd Of The World', one rank below 'Nerd With Girlfriend' and one rank above 'Virgin Nerd'. Because as any nerd will tell you, our greatest weapon in the ongoing battle against those buff sporty types and the suave prettyboys are the Nerds With Girlfriends. Nothing infuriates them more.

Anyway.

I've been getting increasingly depressed with each passing second we're apart, so I figured I'd have a go at some self-help therapy with this week's article. An article I like to call:

GOOD THINGS ABOUT NOT HAVING A GIRLFRIEND

- I can watch whatever I want on TV. Now I won't have to see her tut and roll her eyes when I insist on watching Columbo rather than spend time with her. And I can watch kid's TV without embarrassment.

- I don't have to fret about the possibility of her being pregnant every time she gets tummy ache.

- I won't have to throw her off the computer so I can update my site or do some writing, a prospect I always feel guilty about.

- When I'm cooking some chips for myself, I don't have to listen to my parents say "Why don't you cook some for Sarah as well?"

- I can go back to wearing the same shirt for three weeks, not wearing deodorant, and only changing socks when they evolve the intelligence necessary to attack mankind.

- I won't get a twinge in my back from sleeping two to a single bed.

- I can have sex with other women, animals and kitchen appliances whenever I want.

- I can remove some of her stuff that was taking up large amounts of space on my hard drive and replace it with hentai games.

- Not that I would want to have sex with other women, animals and kitchen appliances, you understand, I was just giving examples.

- When I write an update I can be blissfully unaware of exactly how dire it is unless some inconsiderate person sends me a mail to the effect.

- I won't have to embarrass myself trying to do press-ups in front of her.

- I mean, other women don't do it for me, I don't know where to find an appropriate female animal, and one bloke I knew tried to have sex with a kitchen appliance, he had to wear a kilt for six months. And now I come to think about it, I don't particularly want to wear the same shirt for three weeks either. It gets all sticky and gross.

- Sod this. Being single sucks balls.

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