1. Never dying

It's extraordinarily difficult to kill a protagonist in a typical RPG. The minute anyone is decapitated in battle all their mates have to do is either wave some nondescript magic item under their nose or pack the corpse into their collective rucksack and put it to bed for the night, after which he or she will rise completely undamaged and in tippy-top condition. So are most beds in RPG world imbued with some mysterious power of regeneration or are the characters themselves just capable of Captain Scarlet-esque retrometabolism? Either way, there's really no excuse for when the party get in another fight on their way to a bed and plonk the corpse on the floor next to them, as if it could be any help.

"Hey, KAIN, we put LORA on the floor during that fight but she didn't do anything."
"Hm. She must need another couple of hours in the rucksack."

As this is so often the case then why is it so many main characters in RPGs are after revenge for the death of someone or other? They could just stick their loved ones in the Life-O-Matic Bed (TM) for the night and just send the murderer an angry letter.

2. Cross-country travel

It becomes so much easier in the world of RPGs to get from one side of the world to another, doesn't it? As soon as you leave a town or whatever you instantly grow to fifty feet tall and can stomp all the way across in a matter of moments. But when monsters attack you're usually so surprised that you immediately shrink back down to normal like the little girl you are. It's the same problem the Power Rangers have. They possess a robot battle suit thing that's bigger than anything, and the monsters always turn up first in little mode, so why not cut out all that tedious being thrown about while sparks fly from your gay costumes and just jump on the little cretin from the start? I know this question has been asked to buggery, and it will probably continue being asked to buggery until someone gives us a credible answer. Do you hear me, Saban? And don't you give me that 'fighter's etiquette' bollocks, this is the salvation of the Earth we're talking about.

3. Being able to hit things from fifteen feet away

It's a very curious form of telekinesis that these people have. They can pummel the shit out of the air right in front of them or wave their sword about in a vaguely threatening manner, whereupon little smash icons appear on their enemy and curious numbers appear and drift away. It's like those sports they play in faraway Tibetan monasteries where they stare at each other until one falls over, or gets their tie blown over their shoulder or something. And think what applications such a power could have post-adventure. You know when you're lying in bed, watching TV, and you turn the TV off and it's time to go to sleep, but first you have to get up and walk all the way across the room to turn the light off then walk all the way back to bed in the dark? Don't you hate that? These guys could just lie in bed, maybe with a hand behind their head, and just stab the air with a finger, and bam! Lights out. Then they could turn over and get back to that great dream about the +44 magic sword which casts random lightning spells and can be used from the back row.

4. Love interests

Every main protagonist in an RPG gets a love interest. Everyone, and that's no exaggeration. When they put those posters out to recruit heroes they may as well refer to it there. "Go on an adventure. See the world. Meet top totty. Get resurrected every five minutes. Free luncheon vouchers". It's kind of like the high fantasy dating service. Get together with someone your speed, go out on the veldt, pound a few goblins into the ground, share a Hi Potion and a laugh, then back to your place to show her your +69 sword of penetration.

WHY IT WOULDN'T KICK ARSE TO BE AN RPG CHARACTER

1. Ruled by numbers

Every tiny little detail about you in any RPG is always represented by a number. How long you have until you die, how hard you can hit stuff, your inside leg measurement, it's a Pythagorean mish-mash of figures in there. In fact, you're probably made of numbers. The entire world is made of numbers, all squeezed together like oranges in a sandwich bag. That would explain why numbers break off and fly away whenever you get hit. When you die in RPGs your bodies are ground up into their component digits and donated to schools for children to be taught calculus with. There's probably an underground cadre of body snatcher maths teachers out there, which sort of explains why monsters always vanish into nothing when they run out of hit points. And no matter how many times it happens, the phrase 'death by mathematics' on the death certificate never fails to cause a laugh down at the undertaker's.

2. Potions

You can't tell me it's healthy to drink fifteen of the buggers in one go. What do they put in those things that give them such addictive properties? After a few close matches most of the heroes would probably have big swollen tummies that gloop when touched and have to visit the little hero's room every five minutes. And then there are the other things that cure other ailments like poison and 'toadism'. How exactly does one administer a 'Gold Needle'? Enema, perhaps? On second thoughts I don't really want to know.

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