 MEET THE CRAZY
MOON MAN
Did
you know that if you happen to believe that there
really is a moon orbiting the Earth, you belong
to a religious sect called Lunarism that has
existed for centuries and boasts a membership of
the entire population of the world, bar one man?
Apparently
this is true, according to one The_Mad_Revisionist, who is incidentally the
aforementioned one man who believes fervently
that (a) the moon does not exist, and (b) there's
a huge worldwide conspiracy covering this up.
Amazing how times change; as little as a hundred
years ago we used to keep loonies like this in
big sanitariums where they get poked with sticks
and hosed down with cold water every night.
Nowadays, we just give them websites.
Heh.
I just realised you could make a half-decent
Matrix parody out of this guy. There Is No Moon.
I
suspect that this is a joke page. It's probably a
joke page. I hope fervently to God that this is a
joke page, because I want to believe I live in a
world where people don't get fucked in the head
to such a degree. Assuming for now it's a joke
page, this article is targetted at the curious
people who send the webmaster appreciative
e-mails agreeing with everything he says. Of
course, these people could also be joking, trying
to take the piss out of someone who is already
taking the piss out of them without effort. There
are so many layers of complexity it's difficult
to be certain. I guess one of them has to be on
the level. The rest of this rant refers to this
person, whoever they may be.
Now,
digressing for a moment, it seems to me that this
guy was probably behind the door when the
conspiracies were handed out. Other people talk
about how the American government killed JFK, or
that the Queen is actually a blood-drinking
lizard monster in disguise. Those are
conspiracies you can respect, and which can get
you invited to lots of interesting parties. Start
talking about how the moon's not there then all
you'll get is kicked out of a lot of respectable
learning institutions. Some people would call
this 'understandable'. Commander No-Moon calls
this 'irrefutable proof'. After all, the learning
institutions are IN ON IT! HOLY SHIT!
The_Mad_Revisionist
(who I think partly admits the unreliability of
his claim in his chosen soubriquet) has offered a
hundred grand to whoever can offer irrevocable
evidence for the existence of the moon.
Admittedly this money's pretty safe, as short of
dragging him by the scruff of his neck to the
moon and dumping him in the Sea of Tranquillity
there's not much that can prove the existence of
the moon. Also, you can't prove that there isn't
a ghost of Bagpuss hovering right behind your
head as you read this. He's right there, man! No,
he disappeared right after you turned your head.
I swear he's there. Look, he's back again now!
Nitpicking
aside, I feel I should introduce a little thing
called Occam's Razor, a very simple rule of logic
which regular readers will know I'm a big fan of.
| Evidence |
Sensible Conclusion |
Loony Conclusion |
| 1. We can
see what looks like a great big spherical
rock in the night sky. |
There's a great
big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. |
It's obviously a
hologram, or an enormous balloon, or some
kind of canvas and plywood construction. |
| 2. It
moves across the sky almost as if it was
orbiting the Earth. |
There's a great
big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. |
It's probably
moved along by a complex system of wind.
Or maybe it's on a track or something. |
| 3. Every
astronomer, observatory, scholar,
university and established expert in the
entire world says that there is a great
big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. |
There's a great
big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. |
They're ALL in on
it, I tells ya! ALL of them! |
| 4. The
tides move in accordance with the
positions of the (apparent) moon. |
There's a great
big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. |
There's no reason
to think the moon directly influences the
tides. They're probably caused by
dolphins or something. |
| 5. The
Russian Sputnik probe took photographs of
what looks a lot like the dark side of
the moon. |
There's a great
big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. |
The Russians
murdered a bunch of people around the
time of the Second World War, and as such
we can't trust anything they say. [I
swear this is the genuine reason he
gives] |
| 6. NASA
went to the moon and filmed some
astronauts bouncing merrily around. |
There's a great
big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. |
It was all faked
so the Americans could pretend they won
the Space Race! Duh! |
| 7. They
brought some samples of moon rock back. |
There's a great
big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. |
Yeah, well, they
probably scraped it up from their
driveways or something. |
| 8. Why
the hell would anyone want to pretend
there's a giant spherical rock orbiting
the Earth, anyway? |
They wouldn't.
There's a great big spherical rock
orbiting the Earth. |
NASA and the
American government perpetuates the myth
so they can pretend they're spending
taxpayers money on moon research when in
fact they're spending it all on fast cars
and hot women! |
| 9. But
there are huge amounts of evidence that
the moon was around before the American
Government, and indeed the taxation
system, came about. Old portraits and
writings and shit like that. |
Okay, you got me,
there really is a great big spherical
rock orbiting the Earth. |
Before the
American government it was the Illuminati
and the Templars perpetuating the myth! |
| 10. Okay,
so why the hell would THEY want to
pretend there's a giant spherical rock
orbiting the Earth? |
I believe I have
already admitted that there's a great big
spherical rock orbiting the Earth. |
Because ...
because they want something to keep the
general population scared or some shit! |
| 11. Oh,
right. So they just sat down and said
"We need some way to make people
intimidated and humble before us! Let's
build a giant robot who can breathe fire
and crush buildings underfoot!"
"No, let's build a giant helium
balloon and make it fly around the sky
for no apparent reason!" |
I take it you're
not addressing me anymore. |
Shut up shut up
SHUT UP! |
| 12. And
another thing, how could they have built
something so fucking big without causing
comment? And how could they get it in the
sky with the resources they had in those
days? |
You're wasting
your time, man, he's stuck his fingers in
his ears. |
La la la la la la
not listening to you la la la la la la la |
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