WHY AUSTRALIA IS BETTER THAN BRITAIN

- Comes first alphabetically

- Good for opera houses

- Lower population density

- Hotter chicks

- Favourable pound to dollar exchange rate

- Swimming pools

- Less rain

- Stars on flag

- Descended from penal colony

- Nice colourful money

- About as far away as it is possible to be from Wembley Stadium

- Lots of sheep

- Winters that don't freeze the bollocks off a brass monkey

- Beaches

- Place where Captain Cook got stabbed to death

- Amusing place names

- Isn't constantly badgered into joining the single European currency

- Not the origin of Spandau Ballet

- The word 'Bonza'

- Peter Jackson

- Government not greedily suckling American penis

- Steve Irwin

- Venomous snakes which will probably, at some point, be Steve Irwin's cause of death

- Origin point of beer

- Wide open spaces

- Rolf Harris

- People with large sticks who will probably, at some point, be Rolf Harris's cause of death

- That skinny bloke from Breaker Morant

- I can't think of any more

- So I'll fill up more space with a little poem

- There once was a man from China

- Who loved to wear lots of eyeliner

- He took a cold bath

- In it, for a laugh

- And found he had grown a vagina

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