Latest Chris & Trilby comic: #89: Too Much
Information
29/10/05:
Fair Warning
The above is a
screenshot I took from a section of the IFilm.com
discussion boards. Will Vlad_2005 ever get sexed?
Will mouseeeee ever get her point across with her
flimsy grasp of English? The rest of this story
is lost to the ages. Deep down I hope that their
romance bore happy fruit. Godspeed, Vlad_2005 and
mouseeeee. Celebrate your forbidden love.
I feel it only
fair to warn you that I'm taking part in National
Novel Writing Month this year. If you're new to
the concept, NaNoWriMo is where budding writers (like oh
say for instance me) attempt to write 50,000
words or more, an entire short novel, within the
space of November. This year there are more
internet scribblers involved than ever, and it is
a personal credo of mine that anything a
slack-jawed Livejournal poet can do, I can do in
a better and far more stylish and handsome
manner. After all, I've written novels before,
and I've been writing regularly for a website for
who knows how long, and I'm on the verge of
making my print debut (seriously) and will soon
be able to honestly put 'Writer' in the
'occupation' box when I'm signing up for porn.
The idea I have
in mind is called Fog Juice, and I'll
basically start off with a standard 'stranger
arrives in odd place' plot device before
recounting whatever bollocks comes to mind.
NaNoWriMo is all about quantity over quality,
after all. I'll be re-using some characters and
ideas from Articulate Jim, and probably post the
chapters up on the site as I work. So while there
will be content for the next month, it's pretty
much all going to be this novel thing. I'll try
to do a Chris & Trilby now and then, but no
promises, and I know how much that will hurt the
ten or eleven of you who read it.
Writing starts
November 1st. See you then!
- Yahtzee
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22/10/05:
Here We Go Again
Avert thine eyes
northwards and you'll see that Chris & Trilby is updating again. Since
I was apparently bored of that monochrome story
I've abruptly switched over to a new one, perhaps
to revisit the old one at a later date.
If you've just
joined us, all you need to know about the story
so far is that we left Chris Quinn and his
long-suffering hetero lifemate Trilby about to
confront a dangerous clan of vampire backpackers.
Let's see what happens
next!
- Yahtzee
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17/10/05:
Wacko Jacko
Recently I've
been concerned that I may be losing my cynical
venom sacs, mainly because of the Gridwerx thing and the fact that I've
recently been held down and forced against my
will to write marketing material, and there are
only so many times I can write 'pulse pounding
action' before I have to go and wash myself with
soap. So, in an effort to get the bile flowing
again, I've chosen a subject that makes me good
and steamed to discuss today.
Gentlemen, I
give you: Jack Thompson.
Jack Thompson is
a part-time lawyer and full-time lunatic who has
some kind of grudge against the video game
industry. I don't know whether his entire family
were murdered by arcade cabinets or something but
he seems more dedicated to the destruction of
videogames than gingerbread enthusiasts are to
the creation of gingerbread. Besides the obvious
targets of Grand Theft Auto and Manhunt, Thompson
has even attempted to accuse the Sims 2 of being
a paedophilia simulation, which is about the time
everyone began to realise that there was
something more to this rage than your average
knee-jerk conservatism.
Anyone with even
a passing interest in videogame news loathes this
man with a passion, which is why it was so damn
satisfying when one of his favourite poster
groups, the National Institute on Media and the
Family, sent him an open letter asking him to
stop pretending to be their friend. The NIMF
routinely criticise violence in games, but it
seems even they have to draw the line on colossal
twatblankets. Of course, Thompson has not ceased
to associate himself with the organisation in his
blisteringly ignorant ravings, so we can all look
forward to the stupid cunt being sued by his
biggest heroes.
This is exactly
the sort of thing that deserves to be exaggerated
in one of my little dialogues. The part of Jack
Thompson will be played in this drama by the
Angry Angry Apple of Lick My Jesus fame.
 |
Hello,
you have reached Jack Thompson The
Lawyer. What can I hate for you today? |
 |
Hi,
Jack, this is the National Institute on
Media and the Family. |
|
Oh my
god oh my god oh my god! You guys rock! I
like how you hate video games just as
much as me! |
|
Shut
your big flapping twatmouth for one
second you big flapping twat. We want you
to stop pretending you're friends with
us. |
|
Wot? |
|
You
heard. Stop associating yourself with us.
It scares us and our baby. |
|
But
why? |
|
Because
you are more right-wing and more
conservative than any right-wing
conservative has any right to be. Because
in any sane world you would be peering
out at us from within a small room with
soft walls and you're sapping our
integrity just by standing in the near
vicinity. You're like an integrity black
hole. |
|
But
we're on the same side! |
|
Oh for
crying out loud. This is not a game of
Stratego, you craven twatracket, it's a
complex issue. What the hell were you
playing at offering ten grand to anyone
who designs a violent video game about
murdering video game designers? On what
planet was that supposed to make sense? |
|
You
mean this isn't Fleeblezor Prime? |
|
We have
to go now to do wholesome family things.
We have installed proximity sensors
around our house, so stop coming around
and standing in our garden or our
household defenses will release the ebola
virus. |
|
Damn,
now I'm in a bad mood. I think I'll go
and hate some video games to calm myself
down. Grrrrr! GRRRRRRR! |
 |
Hello,
is this Jack Thompson? We are the
children of the world. |
|
Hello
there, children of the world! Have you
come to sit on my lap and gaze at me in
adoration and gratitude for my efforts to
protect you? |
|
Well,
it is those efforts we wanted to talk to
you about. We want you to pack it in. |
|
Pack in
my good works? But why? |
|
Because
you make us sound like such
impressionable retards that we could
probably sue for defamation, and if you
are allowed to talk about us for much
longer we're afraid that we might get put
in isolation tanks for the rest of our
childhoods. |
|
You
kids sure sound cross. Have you been
playing video games lately or something? |
|
Okay,
seriously now, stop talking about us or
we'll steal your car and run you over
with it. And before you say anything, we
got the idea from a Martin Scorsese film. |
|
Damn,
can the universe shovel any more shit on
little Jack Thompson today? |
 |
Hello
Jack Thompson. This is Almighty God. |
|
Gluh? |
|
Yeah,
I'm really sorry to have to do this, but
it seems there was an administrative
error on our part. You were never
actually cleared to come into existence.
So I have to smite you. Sorry. |
|
No! No,
Almighty God! I still have so much work
to do against video games! I haven't yet
gotten revenge for that time John Carmack
jogged my arm twenty years ago! |
|
You
know what? I've changed my mind. I'm NOT
sorry I have to do this. |
|
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAgleeblegleebleZORT |
|
Hooray! |
 |
Hello,
people of Earth! This is Commander
Fwapang from Fleeblezor Prime. With the
smiting of Jack Thompson, the average
intelligence of the human race has shot
up by such a degree that the Earth now
qualifies to join the Galactic
Technological Exchange Programme. Flying
cars for everyone! |
|
Hooray! |
-
Yahtzee
updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links
5/10/05:
Interrogation Station
The 'Ask
Yahtzee' forum thread seems to have picked up
quite a few questions. Doing three or four of
them per update isn't going to get through them
very fast, so I decided to see how many I could
get done all quickly like.
Ready set go!
Wayne:
Where did the phrase "The Cats out of
the bag" come from?
Presumably
from an occasion wherein a cat was let out of
a bag and, in doing so, revealed damning
evidence, such as lipstick smeared inexpertly
over its muzzle and a bleeding anus.
therantinghuman:
What those spots in front of your eyes which
appear when you try to squint real hard?
Those are
what are technically known as 'gabblebloins'.
They will not hurt you. In fact, bring them a
saucer of milk and they may sing you the
gabblebloin song.
Brend:
What would happen if Bob Ross and Neil
Buchanan were to be put in the same coordinates
in time and space?
They would
both cancel each other out and Tony Hart
would have to fill the void.
therantinghuman:
Is drinking wee harmful or healthy?
I'm vaguely
insulted that you thought I would have the
answer to this question! I have no idea! Feel
free to experiment!
Shawnathan:
What in the hell do wemon do in the three
hours they spend in the bathroom each fucking
morning?
The 'wemon'
is a shy creature and bathrooms offer it
comfort by reminding it of its native Sweden!
Try to lure it out with a few styrofoam
packing peanuts and scratch it gently behind
the ears.
floppydisk:
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just
happy to see me?
Actually
it's a Cornetto, and I hope you die!
floppydisk:
Should I be worried about the poeple that
keep knocking at my door?
I don't
know. Maybe you should go and let them in and
ask them what they want. Knocking is
generally considered the universal sign of
wanting to be let in, but I guess you never
got that memo.
Otal
Nimrodi: Will you marry me?
No!
Otal
Nimrodi: Is there a kind and loving
god?
No!
Otal
Nimrodi: What is the meaning of
life?
Eat more
brown bread!
Coco:
Are you sure you want to make an update with
this, after all the questions you've received?
Apparently.
Zatoichi:
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiago?
On my cock!
SimeSublime:
How's the beard coming along?
It has just
occurred to me that the phrase 'on my cock'
could answer most of these questions.
Walexei:
why is it that so many places in Australia
have such ridiculous names? Wanneroo for example
On my c- oh.
Well, if you don't like ridiculous names,
maybe you should lead by example, you stupid
twat.
Stalky:
Why, oh why, do men wake up with erections?
Because Mr.
Twinkle likes to greet the morning sun with a
shining smile.
looktothesky:
I want to get my own fellowship of
ass-kissers. How would I go about doing that?
ON MY
COCK!!!
Girdag
Fireskull: If you taped a hose in a
horse's mouth, could you make it drink?
No, but if
you film it and post it on the internet then
it won't have been a total waste of time.
Girdag
Fireskull: What WERE all the names
of those 'Hugh, Grue, Barney McSpew' guys?
Er... Hugh,
Grue and Barney McSpew? You kind of answered
your own question there.
arschgeweih:
Does the internet really exist?
Yes, ON MY
COCK!!!!
Ninja
Duck: Have you ever killed a man?
See answer
to previous question.
Ninja
Duck: Why doesn't stone burn?
Because you
touch yourself at night.
arschgeweih:
why is red the colour of communism?
Because Karl
Marx was actually a small pot of strawberry
jam OH I DON'T FUCKING KNOW
Dr
Lecter: What
is the capital of Taiwan?
A PANCAKE
Dr
Lecter: How stoned/drunk does an
Eskimo have to be before he runs over a walrus
and takes to the natural history museum?
YOU KNOW
WHAT FUCK THIS NOISE
- Yahtzee
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26/9/05:
Interlude #2
- Yahtzee
updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links
21/9/05:
Play On
Updates are
going to be pretty scarce at the moment because
I'm currently busy off getting a life.
In the meantime,
for want of an update, I uploaded a short playlet
I wrote entitled 'A Big Red Shiny Helmet', which is my gift to
you if you happen to have the means and resources
to make a short film or play but lack a script.
It'd probably be funnier if you've ever played
Silent Hill 2.
In case you
didn't pick up on the first link, here it is again.
- Yahtzee
updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links
7/9/05:
Ask Nicely
Many moons ago
there was a short-lived feature on this site
called Ask Yahtzee, in which readers of the site
(or as I like to call them, 'mortals') posed me
perplexing questions, and I would answer them
with stupid non-sequitur shit I made up off the
top of my head. Well, that feature is back due to
popular (one) demand, and today I'll be answering
a few brainteasers posed to me by the cock
suckers on my forum. If you have any
questions you'd like to see addressed in future
instalments of Ask Yahtzee, please direct them to
the forum topic on the subject.
We'll start with
this little humdinger from Dark Comet:
"Why
are peaches furry?"
That's an
interesting question, Dark Comet! Please do not
wipe out any more dinosaurs while you await my
answer!
There are many
theories as to why peaches are furry. Personally,
I believe that peaches are just trying to express
something about themselves they don't quite
understand, and give it a certain shape for want
of some kind of explanation. Many peaches grew up
antisocially, often ostracised and even tormented
by their peers, and were no doubt conditioned to
believe that there was something different about
them that caused them to not fit in. Then they
found the internet and discovered ways other
people have explained this about themselves, and
decided to adopt their ways in an attempt to find
some kind of acceptance.
Then again,
perhaps, as they believe, they really do have
some kind of affinity with wolves or foxes, but
frankly that sounds like a load of old cleveland
steamer to me. Hope this was informative!
Also sprach floppydisk:
"If you
have a lump in your ass, should you tell anyone?"
That's an
intriguing question, floppydisk! I shall
endeavour to answer it before you get any more
obsolete!
If you have a
lump in your pants, there are many possible
responses. A common strategy is to lie on your
back, burst into tears, and kick your legs like a
retard. Note that this behaviour will become
increasingly less effective after you pass the
age of 1, so on the whole the best thing to do is
to not draw attention to it. Let it sit there,
hope no-one smells anything, and pull your
trousers tightly against your body in the vain
hope that your arse will somehow re-absorb the
offending article. Also, you might not want to
give your pants to your mum to launder when you
get home. I hope you will find this information
relevant to your daily life, you wretched human
being!
SimeSublime
used the dark magic of the internet to ask:
"Why do
axe murders get a special name?"
That's a pithy
observation, SimeSublime! Your name is gay!
The reason axe
murders get a special name is down to a confusion
of etymology. You see, axe murders were not
originally called that because they are generally
associated with axes.
Back in medieval
times, the local lord would often tax his
subjects in order to pay for wars, castles and
the large knobbly dildoes he used to rape their
wives and daughters. But this was in the days
before telephone banking, and there was no
convenient way to fork out for local government,
so taxes were often collected by small groups of
armed guards going from house to house. Peasants
would frequently gang up and kill these guards
with shoddy farming implements, normally scythes
and axes. The crime of murdering taxmen became
increasingly common over the years, and a lot of
peasants were having to be executed, so the
Justices of the Peace decided to create a new
classification of murder - 'tax murder' - that
carried a lighter sentence than plain old boring
normal murder.
As the centuries
went by 'tax murder' was muddled into 'ax
murder', largely because of noted historian
Thomas Twatbags who insisted on writing all his
T's with invisible ink, perhaps to spite his
parents.
And finally, Otal
Nimrodi wants to know:
"What's
outside the universe?"
That's a good
question, Otal Nimrodi! I had to copy and paste
your stupid fucking name!
I'm not really
supposed to do this, but here's a page from the
Secret Book Of Absolutely True Things, which only
I and four other people on the planet are allowed
to read:
That's it for
today's instalment. Keep those questions coming!
- Yahtzee
updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links
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