9/7/04: The Lion Thing
Time to return
now to a feature thought long forgotten by you
faithless twerps. Yes, time once again for
FullyRamblomatic.com to explore the forgettable
pixels of yesteryear with the return of:
Unappreciated
Computer Game Character Of The Week!
With my
girlfriend's tendency to hog the internet
computer, conversing with her dirty little IRC
friends, I have been increasingly delegated to
sitting around on the beanbag endlessly playing
and re-playing the only cartridge we have for our
Game Boy Colour - Super Mario Land, the original
and best. As good as the game is, though, I have
now played it so many times that the jaunty
opening theme is a sound I now associate with
grim, soul-destroying ennui. And, like people who
take too many recreational drugs and watch
children's programming, I start thinking a little
bit too much about the lives of the characters.
That's why this
week's UCGCOTW is:
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The
Egyptian Lion Boss Thing From World One! |
Is
'sad' still the current word in vogue to mean
'pathetic'? Or is it these days just used by
guffawing acne beasts sitting in McDonalds
restaurants, wearing leather jackets and shouting
at old people? Well, moot point either way,
because you need a whole new, even stronger
colloquial word meaning 'pathetic' to describe
the Egyptian Lion Boss Thing From World One. I'm
just going to have to make one up. This thing is
the most mongbotty boss I have ever brutally
killed forty-seven times.
So, Mario's
fought and bum-bounced his way through three
terrifying levels, exterminating exploding Koopa
Trooper after exploding Koopa Trooper, and now
the only thing that stands in the way of him and
total victory over Pseudo Egypt World is the
Egyptian Lion Boss Thing.
Imagine what
must be going through the Egyptian Lion Boss
Thing From World One's head right now. Here's the
sarky tagliatelli-scoffing Mediterranean prick
who's reduced every single member of your defense
force to the exact size and shape of a mangled
hubcap, and now he's had the balls to come up and
challenge you, a creature four times his size.
How would you be feeling? You'd be fucking pissed
off, wouldn't you? Any sensible, non-retard lion
would no doubt pounce on him before he'd even
come in the door and tear him so many new
arseholes he could go to a fancy dress party as a
lemon zester.
Unfortunately,
Egyptian Lion Boss Thing From World One doesn't
have the brain you and I take for granted, and
his strategy involves hopping slowly up and down
on the spot, breathing a fireball every fourteen
minutes or so. He has two fireball attacks: one
goes low, and can be easily foiled by jumping.
The other goes high, and can be easily foiled by
DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL.
It's come to the point
that I sometimes can't bring myself to
kill him. I'll just stand there, jumping
over his crappy fireballs, attempting to
make him listen to reason until the
batteries run out. But when I lose
patience, the Egyptian Lion Boss Thing
can be destroyed with five projectiles.
Seriously. We only need to stand Mario
next to him and remain awake for long
enough to press the fire button five
times in quick succession, and the big
pussy's dead before he's had time to even
singe the ends of Mario's facial hair. I
know there's supposed to be such thing as
a difficulty curve, but you'd need to
lose both thumbs in a horrific industrial
accident before this could even become
remotely challenging. |
According to the heiroglyphics in the
background, "Bowl Eye Liquorice
Allsort Church With A Steeple".
|
And
if you don't have projectile capability, you can
also defeat this monstrosity by jumping over him
and hitting the self destruct button he so
unwisely had installed in his living room. And
jumping over someone when they're trying to kill
you has got to be a slap in the face for any
demon. It's like blanking someone in the street,
or grabbing a chipolata from someone's plate at a
buffet when they're not looking. It's the worst
kind of snub.
Perhaps the
shabby treatment Mario affords the Egyptian Lion
Boss Thing From World One could be justified if
Mario's massacre was a provoked attack. But it
wasn't. You see, Mario was labouring under the
misapprehension that the Egyptian Lion Boss Thing
From World One was keeping his girlfriend
hostage, perhaps understandably because his
girlfriend is kidnapped by lonely monsters to a
rather unhealthy degree, when in fact this was
merely some kind of pasta-induced hallucination,
and what he thought was his girlfriend was in
fact a bouncing insect monster:
And so, Mario
looks back upon the destruction he has wrought on
the pseudo-Egyptian land, the countless happy,
peaceful inhabitants he has atomised, and moves
onto the next kingdom sheepishly trying to think
of excuses.
God, it's a good
thing this is all make-believe, isn't it? It's a
good thing we don't live in a world where people
make up stories about how underdeveloped nations
have something they shouldn't have, invade them,
blow the whole place to smithereens, find they
didn't have it after all and then pretend it was
the right thing to do all along, isn't it?! Ha ha
ha ha ha! Isn't that a good thing?
So, Egyptian
Pussy Boss Thing From World One, I'm not really
ragging on you. You were probably a wise and
strong ruler to your people. It's just that your
people are all apparently made of eggshells and
string, and being the strongest of them all is
like being the special school pupil who drools
the least. Just for being the most inoffensive
boss monster in any Mario game, you get to hold
the prestigious title of Unappreciated Computer
Game Character Of The Week, which I'm sure will
be a great comfort to you when you're lying
around the scenery in four thousand bloody
chunks.
- Yahtzee
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6/7/04:
Collector's Item
Just
a quick update here. My attention has been drawn
to colonpipe.com, the site of my
Underdogs messageboard chum Datazoid. Old DZ has
taken upon himself to immortalise me in 3d-rendered
limited-edition collectible. I'm not sure what
bizarre compulsion he was seized by to make it,
but since my ego finds it delicious, I'll just
say "Thank you, Datazoid, you fantastically
bizarre person."
- Yahtzee
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5/7/04:
An Open Letter
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Dear Sam Raimi, You don't know
me, but rest assured we have never met
ever in our entire lives. In fact, if you
remember a young man hiding in your
bushes taking pictures of you as you came
out to get the paper, that totally
totally wasn't me. No, I'm just some
complete stranger who wanted to remind
you, as you have no doubt been reminded
often lately, that Spider-man 2 fucking
kicked arse.
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I
remember hearing some early reports that Arnold
Schwarzeneggar was being considered to play
Doctor Octopus, and I confess being a bit ticked
off, Sam, mate. I did that thing where I roll my
eyes and make that irritating clicking sound with
my tongue. It sounded like exactly the sort of
thing a big studio with no conscience, shame or
soul would do. But you rejected such crapitude!
You damn well went and got the lesser-known
Alfred Molina who was perhaps pretty well perfect
for the part. Everyone knows Arnold
Schwarzeneggar has the acting talent of a broken
biscuit, and that everyone is too scared to say
so in case he duffs them up. And not a good
biscuit, like a jammy dodger. He's barely a
custard cream.
Let's face it,
Famous Director Sam Raimi - you had a job on your
hands with the Spider-man franchise. You had to
find a way to appeal to all the Stan Lee fans
(and let's be fair to him: he's a hammy old
twat), as well as all your own long-term fans,
and the new generation of cinemagoers. And you
pulled it off very well. Although you took the
piss out of it every now and again, you clearly
have genuine affection for the subject matter.
Oh, if only the same could be said for whoever
was given the job of making a film out of the
John Constantine comics, and who decided Keanu
Reeves would be the best choice for the title
role. Let me tell you something: you could dress
an elephant seal in a party hat and have it play
Oskar Schindler, and it still wouldn't have been
as big a mistake as casting Keanu Reeves as John
Constantine.
But let's move
on. Actually, let's not. Keanu fucking Reeves,
man! Keanu Reeves has played one role well in his
entire life, and that was Ted from the Bill &
Ted movies. I don't call that any ringing
endorsement of his ability.
But let's move
on. Your film was the tops. You've shown you can
do big Hollywood blockbusters without sacrificing
your own inimitable style. Bruce Campbell's usual
cameo wasn't blatantly crowbarred in, and gave
him the chance to shine like the big ol' shining
diamond that he is. I'm assured Ted Raimi was in
it, too, but I didn't recognise him, because
every time I've seen him in your films he's
underneath about fifty tonnes of make up. Tell
me, do Bruce Campbell and Ted Raimi have
something incriminating on you that leaves you
forced to find them jobs all the time? Like, do
they have a photo of a time you drank piss in
your college dorm, or something?
So, all in all,
champion flick, as we used to say in the ghetto.
I'm going to do something for you now, Famous
Director Sam Raimi, and I want you to know that I
have never done this for anyone else and probably
never will again. I'm going to grant you a boon.
Here's how the
Yahtzee boon system works. I will commit one
crime, of any level of seriousness, on your
behalf. Should I be caught, I will accept full
responsibility. That's right, Sam Raimi; you have
the chance to commit by proxy the crime of your
dreams! Window cleaner missed a spot? He's
fucking dead! Got your eye on a fabulous rare
emerald? It's nicked! Annoying teenage girls in
the shopping mall? I'll blow the whole fucking
place up! Just print out the card below, laminate
it, and when you've decided how to spend your
boon, send it and the completed form back to me:
- Yahtzee
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30/6/04:
Five Finger Love
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"Oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Ah. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Yes. Oh. Yes. Oh. Oh. Oh. Ah. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh. Ooh. Ah. Yes. Oh. Ah. Oh. Oh.
Baby. Oh. Yes. Oh." - Shannon Tweed, Every
Film She's Ever Been In
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Long-term
readers of the site will of course know that I
have an academic interest in films which fall into
the genre known as 'Erotic Thriller'. You can
recognise them easily, because they're just like
normal thrillers, except the acting, direction
and production values are all ten times worse and
they throw in masses of sex in the hope that you
won't notice. Even more long term readers will
realise that when I said I had an academic
interest, this was a complete lie, and in truth I
watch them because I like looking at lady boobs
jiggling up and down.
Please don't
confuse erotic thrillers with porn. If there were
some kind of scale for acceptability, wherein
raping corpses is at the bottom and sticking out
your pinky to drink tea is at the top, porn would
be about two-thirds of the way down and erotic
thrillers would be around the middle. It's
borderline acceptable. People who watch porn have
crossed the line; they have no more shame.
They'll openly tell you what porn they've rented
recently and show you the heavily stained
notebook detailing how many times they
masturbated to orgasm during the viewing.
Erotic thriller
patrons are still on the borderline. Go to any
IMDb messageboard for an erotic thriller and
you'll find threads discussing the story, the
burgeoning acting skills of the leads, and how it
was an improvement on the director's previous
works. What you won't find is a thread along the
lines of "I wish the sex scenes didn't end
so suddenly, 'cos I found myself wanking to an
establishing shot of the lead character's
mother's house." And yet, every single one
of the people on the board would probably agree.
You can
recognise an erotic thriller in the video store
pretty easily. They've generally got titles like
"Lethal Seduction" or "Night
Dangers" or "Fucking In Peril".
There'll be a scantily-clad woman on the front
and a big juicy "R-18" symbol on the
side. And sometimes, for the kind of person who
isn't allowed to cross the road on their own,
it'll even say 'EROTIC THRILLER' on the spine.
Just to make absolutely certain, watch the body
language of the cashier as you bring the box up
to the counter. If they glance from you to the
box cover for a few seconds, then commence the
checking out process with a sort of "I'm not
forming an opinion, oh dear me no" attitude,
then you've struck gold there, my friend.
The conundrum
which struck me recently, and which got me onto
this subject, is this. What, exactly, is the
legal definition of a sex scene?
I'm sure all of
us have been in the same position at some point.
We watch a film because the appallingly
sexy-voiced continuity announcer warned us
beforehand that we could expect sex scenes. Then
we sit through two boring hours only to see two
people rub against each other, fully clothed, in
the horizontal position for two minutes.
So, I say again,
what's the legal definition? There has to be one,
because everything does. There has to be a legal
definition for everything in case some parent
decides to sue because their innocent young 'un
accidentally caught a glimpse of too many inches
of thigh and was consequently so corrupted that
it took three SWAT teams to end his reign of
terror. So what is it? That's what we're here to
work out. Where's the borderline? When does
innocent romance cross over into MA-15 territory?
Let's take the
usual cinematic example. Man A and Woman B start
doing what my school used to call 'snogging'.
There's some minor, perfunctory doffing of
garments. Then, just as your hand is snaking
towards your zipper, it mixes suddenly to A and B
in bed, presumably nude, staring at the ceiling
and lying under the Amazing L-Shaped Bedsheet
(comes up to the woman's neck, exposes the man's
whole chest). Is that a sex scene? Probably not,
since then they'd have to say that EVERY FUCKING
FILM EVER MADE has sex in it. And anyway, there's
no evidence that they did shag. Certainly they
generally look about as post-coital as Pope John
Paul II. Everyone knows, after the old
whoop-de-doo, you're sweaty, you're sticky,
you're a mess. These actors with their unruffled
hair and smooth skin might as well have just
gotten into bed with no clothes on and played 20
Questions all night.
We know sex
doesn't mean nudity, 'cos nudity is classified
separately by the sexily-voiced continuity
announcer. Never watch a film that has nudity but
no sex if you're after jerk material, because
it's certainly going to be nudity in a rather
off-putting context (Current holder of
'Non-Sexual Nude Scene Most Likely To Put Off
Masturbators Halfway Through' award: Old Woman,
Stanley Kubrick's The Shining).
Okay, okay.
Let's take it from the ground up. Let's start
with, say, a woman in some office environment,
bending down to pick up a piece of paper. While
she does so, a man squeezes past her to get to
the photocopier, and in doing so his crotch
brushes against her delectable peach-like bum.
Sex scene? 'Course not. Let's go up a notch.
Let's say, while in that position, he grabs her
and does some pretend humping in a jolly,
platonic manner, to the amusement of all. Is that
a sex scene? Grey area. There's clearly implied
sexuality, but not actual penetration. This would
probably come under the heading of "scenes
of a sexual nature".
Okay, up another
notch. We take away all their clothes. Is that
sex now? Well, they're not actually having sex,
are they? They're just playing a jolly game, and
are naked for entirely unrelated reasons. Maybe
the office has casual Fridays. Now, while this is
no more overtly sexual than the last one, I think
this would gain the film a sex scene warning. But
that fucks everything up 'cos we know nudity
isn't supposed to be a factor.
Perhaps I should
just make some kind of diagram to illustrate
where I reckon the borderline between sex in a
film and not lies:
- Yahtzee
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25/6/04:
Kickarse Light Sabre Showcase Week, Conclusion
Kickarse
Light Sabre Showcase Week is behind us, relegated
gratefully to an archive page, and all that remains is
the tawdry business of picking my favourite three
from the entries I was given. I'd like to say
that it's been fun and every submission was a
winner in its own way, but I'm afraid we all know
that would be a total lie.
Since
nothing scored more than 8 points on my scale,
the order of the best three will be decided on a
whim. Before we get started on those, I'd just
like to list off the honourable mentions. Ropes
put a lot of effort into his/her entry, and it
may have deserved less of a ripping, but I was
kind of in a mood at that point. AngeloGM's axe
was fantastically drawn, but it seems he got his
addresses mixed up and sent his light sabre
design to the 'design a morphing halberd'
competition. Dave Cohen's Fopsabre at least made
me laugh. And Sean Kennedy submitted an
impressive entry, but that was after the
deadline, and it would have been unfair on
others. I'll just let you look at it. Rest assured it would
have gone high on the aesthetics score.
Now,
let's get on with it. At number 3, it's Amelia Q:
Amelia's
submission was and still is the best-looking
design. Just a couple of steps further, just a
little bit more decoration, and it would have
been written off as garish, but as it stands it's
a monument to good taste. It's just a shame that
it lacked functionality. A couple more ways to
turn your opponent into a pile of sizzling
cartilage could have seen a real improvement on
the score.
Number
two goes to your friend and mine Jane Sherwood.
A
blade that looks like Nerf aside, Jane's design
maintained a simple elegance and managed to
juggle a lot of the prerequisite decadent extras,
too. It was just a few matters of non-lethal
takedown utilities that keeps this one at number
2. To understand why I think so, you know that
bit in Evil Dead 2 where the monster head is
going "I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow
your soul!" and Ash aims his gun and goes
"Swallow THIS," and blows the head into
a million tiny bits? Consider how much less
kickarse it would have been if he'd just fired a
tranquilliser at it.
And
finally, at number one, it's 'kjgfds esdf'!
Ha
ha ha ha ha ha (snort) ha ha ha.
But
seriously, at number one, it's Morc Arnie Polski!
The
judges (i.e. me) all agreed that this deserved
the top spot. I made a complaint at the time that
the plug should have been specified as
retractable, but now it has been pointed out to
me that it indeed was. I'm so sorry about that,
my eyesight has been damaged by frequent and
frenzied masturbation. But I digress. It's an
aesthetically-pleasing green horny design,
combined with some delightfully decadent gadgets
to really get the show on the road.
Congratulations, you fellow with your
spectacularly weird name!
I'm
sorry, I can't remember if you specified a
celebrity you'd like to see decapitated with your
entry, so if you'd like to drop me a line, we can
get that sorted out.
Thanks
to everyone who took part. Except those wankers
who sent shit. You people can all go to hell!
- Yahtzee
updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links
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