25/6/04: Kickarse Light Sabre Showcase Week, Day 4

Last day! After this I will probably never ever do anything like this ever again, so enjoy it while you can!

Dan Nielsen is having some fun with us first:

Functionality: 4/10 When will you people learn that taking two weapons and joining them together with a bit of string does not an unstoppable super destroyer make? I mean, attaching two spatulas together with string does not make it easier to make pancakes. Attaching two driving instructors with string will not help you learn to drive faster, because for the most part they'll probably be asking you why you have tied them together with string rather than teaching you to drive. Nunchucks are such stupid weapons, when you think about it. It takes ages to learn how to use them properly, and a man with a baseball bat gets exactly the same results without bashing himself in the eye all the time.

Aesthetics: 6/10
It looks like a jump rope for alien girls from the future who are tired of living. On the other hand, though, if you did take this into school and bullies started taking the piss out of you, after you've lasered off your first leg and are still attempting to skip in screaming agony, they'd probably stop taking the piss and get totally freaked out.

Overall: 5 Kicked Arses
I have nothing more to add.

Some strange person who wishes to be addressed as "tysonmccamley sucksondick" sent this in:

Functionality: 5/10
I can see how having three light sabres on your hand would help in your jedi duel, but frankly the necessity of the ones on your feet and the ones on your head escapes me. Well, the feet I can maybe understand. Maybe you could use them to have a little space around you when riding on the Jedi tube train home. I know I usually only rate according to how it'd be in a Jedi fight, but it seems to me that, if you implemented this kind of bodily modification, you wouldn't be able to do anything BUT fight. You couldn't change a lightbulb, or look after a goldfish, and you'd be continually ejected from department stores for interfering with the ceiling fans.

Aesthetics: 3/10
To understand my scoring, pretend to be a hot girl and rate the likelihood of you ever thinking this: "Boy, that freak with the highly dangerous laser weapons growing out of his head has really got my juices flowing!"

Overall: 4 Kicked Arses
Go away. Just... go away.

Jane Sherwood is another entrant who submitted a short novella to accompany their entry, so read it here while you gaze in awe:

Functionality: 8/10
Well, Janey seems to have put a lot of effort into the gadget side of things without sacrificing style. What's odd, though, is that while she makes much reference to the joy of slitting up one's foe a treat, there are rather a lot of gadgets for use in non-lethal takedown. Maybe I just can't understand 'cos I'm the kind of man's man who looks appreciatively at shiny cars and opens beer bottles with my eye sockets, but I have a feeling ol' Janey would be one of those wussy hero Jedi who always let the defeated opponent go for a life of shame and ignominy.

Digressing for a moment, sometimes I really hate the heroes in that sort of adventure film. I mean, these evil overlords are actually trying to achieve something with their lives. You might not agree with their motives, but by golly they're rolling up their sleeves and getting on with honest, constructive work. And all the heroes can do is criticise. What jerks.

Aesthetics: 8/10
Looks nice, I guess. Got the whole She-Ra thing going on. Action pose didn't hurt. Just a shame that the laser blade looks like it's made of Nerf.

Overall: 8 Kicked Arses
Sometimes I think it'd be kinder just to kill the defeated overlord. That way you save him the humiliation of having to sidle back into the overlord club lounge and receive the regulation overlord chinese burn.

Dave Cohen is having a laugh:

Functionality: 5/10
But then, fops really aren't designed for functionality either. They can't move around very well with those corsets laced up tight and they're afraid to do so anyway in case their powdered wigs fall off. The average fop lasts about three tenths of a second in a light sabre duel, which is about enough time for half an arrogant snort, if it's a very quick arrogant snort. Five points might even be a bit much, but I'm feeling generous just 'cos I like the cut of your gib, Cohen.

Aesthetics: 9/10
Fops and fop accessories wrote the book on aesthetics, so I'm giving a good score for this one even if it is rather obviously and badly Photoshopped. This is exactly the kind of light sabre I'd expect to see in the window of some dainty boutique in 18th century Paris. I can almost picture the little dirty orphan waifs pressing their snotty noses up against the glass in awe and reverence.

Overall: 7 Kicked Arses
Good on you, Dave. You might be completely dismembered before you can even stuff your silk handkerchief back in your sleeve, but by damn your corpse will smell nice.

The Fashionable Viking is a big disappointment to his parents:

Functionality: 4/10
What is it with this 'no bulky gadgets' policy? Michael Lander did the same thing to me yesterday. What fresh madness is this? I hate the way you pair are implying that gadgets are some kind of heathen extravagance while the plain, unmolested light sabre is a purer, far more noble weapon. Well, newsflash, hippy: this is MY competition and I say that a light sabre that can't charcoal broil your arse from three different directions at once and kick you in the balls at the same time is no kind of light sabre at all. HA.

Oh yeah, and your light sabre turns into a whip. Good luck with that one, champ. You know that bit in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where young Indy uses a whip for the first time and smacks himself one in the chops? You're going to do the same thing and end up looking like the little girl from Dawn of the Dead.

Aesthetics: 2/10
It looks like a cross between a millipede and a great big turd. I'm sorry, but there it is. Laser effect on the blade looks kind of cool, and you can be sure that's the only reason you're not getting the rating equivalent of a knee in the nuts right now.

Overall: 3 Kicked Arses
I'd love to watch the reactions of the Jedi council when Mr. Viking saunters into the clubhouse waving his millipede-turd hybrid and smacks himself in the face with it.

Aaaaand... that's about it. The top three will get announced tomorrow. At this point, I must give my honest and heartfelt apologies to the designers of light sabres I couldn't find the space or just plain couldn't be arsed to cover. Especially you, SimeSublime. Really there was nothing wrong with your entry, I just... I'm sorry, I just couldn't think of anything funny to say about it. I'll just post the image here and give a quick overall score.

Six Kicked Arses!

- Yahtzee

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25/6/04: Kickarse Light Sabre Showcase Week, Day 4

Okay, that's it. No more light sabre entries please. Frankly, over the last week I've had enough poorly-drawn Jedi weapons in my inbox to choke a baboon, and if I ever see another one again after this it'll be a million billion years too soon. Any light sabres I receive after today will be sealed in a casket and fired into space, to be discovered and mocked by alien civilisations for centuries to come. Or deleted from my inbox. Whatever's easier.

I've still got quite a few to get through, so I'll split them between today and tomorrow, and give my top 3 on Sunday. We cool? We cool.

We're starting with aagepult:

Functionality: 3/10
There's very little point in camouflage light sabres, if you ask me. Even if they work, all you're going to do is make your opponent believe that you're not armed, and that may give him the confidence he needs to believe in himself. This is all academic, though, because aagepult's camouflage wouldn't work outside of a trendy London apartment in the 1960's. As for everything else, it seems to me that aagepult is more interested in sitting down and discussing differences over coffee and a scone than fighting tooth and nail over a bottomless pit, which is kind of the situation light sabres tend to be in. Sith lords don't eat scones. They are notorious for not eating scones.

Aesthetics: 8/10
The pink teddy, zebraskin motif, purple sponge thing and calm reasoned debate buttons gave me certain suspicions, all of which were confirmed by the 'anal entry' switch. I'm not going to come out and say that this light sabre is for flaming homos, but I do think that, if a Jedi were set upon by the five blokes from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, this is the sort of light sabre he'd be left holding in bewilderment.

Overall: 6 Kicked Arses
If the most kickarse light sabre were a video, it'd be Army of Darkness. If this were a video, it'd be one of Richard Simmons' workout tapes.

Go Michael Lander!

Aesthetics: 10/10 I'm doing the two categories in reverse order for this one, for reasons which will soon become clear. This is easily the most beautifully-drawn entry in the entire competition. All I can do is stare at it, thinking of all the ones I received that were drawn with the big circle brush in MS Paint, and wonder how both can conceivably exist on the same page without causing some kind of explosion. I... I just don't know what else to say. I'll just leave a big space here, so that everyone can look at it with awe and silent reverence.

Functionality: 5/10
How could you do this to me, Mike? You submit the most beautiful design in the contest and forget to add all the kickarse decadent gadgets. I mean, anything at all, dude. A chainsaw. A device for projecting hologrammatic nude ladies. A cup holder, for fuck's sake. Just one fucking gadget and you could have had this contest in the bag. I'm giving you 5 points even though you don't deserve them, just because it looks so great.

Overall: 7 Kicked Arses
Crushed. I am CRUSHED.

We're rocking with Frank "LookOutForNinjas" next:

Functionality: 4/10
Guitars kick arse, and light sabres kick arse. So a light sabre guitar should kick arse squared, right? Well... I wouldn't think so, somehow. Whichever of the two contexts you use it in, you're going to have problems. It'd be a bitch to wave around in a light sabre duel, and if you started rocking out too enthusiastically with it you'll probably accidentally castrate whoever's on bass.

Aesthetics: 7/10
Well, it is a guitar. You could paint a guitar lime green with pink stripes and attach a dead leper to one end and you'd still look cool holding it in the traditional pose. It's just a question of how long you can hold that pose while the enemy light sabre is being introduced to your jugular vein.

Overall: 5 Kicked Arses
For each one of the bass guitarist's future children you murdered.

Who's next? Why, it's Morc Arnie Polski:

Functionality: 9/10
Nice. Yes, I've been examining this closely, and I can't think of many ways to fault it. It has many cool gadgets, but they remain understated enough to not get in the way. And those mirrors on the end would be most handy for showing your enemy his defeated face after he's been disarmed, as well as checking to make sure your girly Jedi hairdo is straight. It's the dangly things at the bottom that stop this thing getting the full ten, though. That mains lead is just short enough to be inconvenient to plug into a wall socket, but long enough to whip around in battle and smack you in the face. Specify a retractable lead next time!

Aesthetics: 7/10
Symmetry? Check. Sticky-out bits? Check. And yet, it still seems to be missing something. Decoration, perhaps? Yes! Where are all the skulls and the nude ladies and the robot ninjas on motorbikes? I'm not even going to talk about the decals. This is supposed to be a light sabre, not some high school girl's Astro Boy pencilcase.

Overall: 8/10
Keep an eye on this one, bookies.

What time is it? It's time for Scruffie:

Functionality: 3/10
Good god. Okay, let me explain something for you. As everyone should well be aware by now, the functionality of the light sabre is rated on the assumption that it is being used in a fight with ANOTHER Jedi. So here's how your fight's going to go:

YOU: Hey, let's have a fight!
JEDI: Har har har! You have only a metal sword?
YOU: Har har har back! It is not really a sword! It turns into a kickarse light sabre!
JEDI: Wow, I'm so impressed that... okay, so I'm not impressed at all. I mean, I have an equally kickarse plain light sabre that doesn't turn into anything else and is a lot more convenient to carry around.
YOU: VICTORY IS MINE!
JEDI: (stab}

Aesthetics: 5/10
Sure, whatever.

Overall: 4 Kicked Arses
Please stop talking in leet speak. Just everyone stop it now, please.

Let's take a leaf out of Ropes's book, because (s)he very nearly wrote one to accompany his/her entry. You'd better take a look at it first. Here's the saber. Apologies for having to shrink it so much, but then I wouldn't have to if people didn't send such unmanageably big images, right, spacemonkey?

Functionality: 6/10
First glance, it seems pretty cool. Then I notice you've got demons operating in there. I dunno, seems like a bad idea to me. Demons aren't generally considered a trustworthy bunch. First time your back's turned, they'll take the opportunity to deliver the most diabolical wedgie you've ever received. And that's if they don't even have reason to hate you. Imprison them in a little rod and force them to your bidding, and they'll be eating your face some day no matter how many pentagrams you draw on the shaft.

Oh, and I notice you also have the demons bringing you sharp, dangerous objects, and that you let them CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS. Jesus, dangle your goolies over a bear trap, why don't you.

Aesthetics: 7/10
It's got an interesting sort of industrial feel to it, which I like, and it's got sticky-out bits, which I also enjoy, but I can't help noticing that the laser blade is supposed to be FOUR FEET LONG. To get an idea of that, hold your hands a foot apart, then double the distance, then double it again. THAT long. The height of five squirrels, or one midget. That's going to be a bitch to carry around. And judging by the little diagram there, the hilt is probably about thirteen or fourteen inches on its own. So, how cool would you look wielding this? As cool as anyone looks with trembling knees and severe back trauma.

Overall: 7 Kicked Arses
I'd say Ropes was trying to compensate for something, were I not unsure of his/her gender.

Last of them go up tomorrow, so NO MORE ENTRIES OR I MIGHT KILL MYSELF.

- Yahtzee

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24/6/04: Kickarse Light Sabre Showcase Week, Day 3

Last chance to get your light sabre designs in! I'll be profiling the last of them tomorrow. In the here and now, however, Heccubus is first:

Functionality: 4/10
When I was a kid, I recall having a chemistry set, and at one point, about the same time the novelty wore off, I decided to mix all the chemical samples together to see what would happen. To my disappoint the result was not George's Marvellous Medicine, neither did it explode violently. It just produced brown liquid that fizzled a bit when we poured it all over the garage floor. I bring it up because some of the designers in this contest are doing something similar to me. Sending in deliberate crap and hoping I'll explode. Well, I'm not going to rise to it today, Heccubus. I'm just going to say, "Thank you for the rubber grip. It will keep my hands touchably soft while I'm beating you to death with this thing."

Aesthetics: 2/10
Arse arse arse arse ARSE.

Overall: 3 Kicked Arses
Let's move on.

Hold onto your hats, it's Aleksandr Knasiak:

Functionality: 3/10
This is a perfect example of the kind of mistakes you make when going completely overboard. I think I said yesterday that you can't have a black laser blade outside of a negative universe, but since there's reference to a quantum singularity generator we'll let that one slide. What does concern me, however, is the dart launcher. It's bad enough they're positioned exactly where you put your hand around it, but one of them appears to fire BACKWARDS. What is this, a light sabre for the Jedi who is tired of life? Anyway, moot point, it seems, since the force field would prevent you from actually being able to hold the dratted thing.

Oh yeah, and a little computer that activates whatever the user wishes. Failure of imagination, Alex?

Aesthetics: 7/10
It kind of looks like the result of an explosion at Wonka's chocolate factory, but Alex at least remembered one of the key elements of aesthetics: SYMMETRY. One deadly blade is good, but another deadly blade on the other side offers twice the opportunity to exterminate yourself.

Overall: 5 Kicked Arses
It'd make you the belle of the Jedi ball, assuming you survive long enough to get to the venue.

Fredward presents his opus:

Functionality: 8/10
Hey, Fredward, didn't anybody tell you to submit a light sabre design? Oh wait, there it is. Sorry, I didn't see it behind all the TEXT.

Well, let's see what we have here. A light sabre that can be operated by remote control. I guess that would be pretty useful to lazy people with no self-respect. I suppose this is an inevitable product of today's bone idle society. It's not enough that we have curtains, we also apparently need to be able to close them from across the room, to prevent the sunlight from burning our fragile lardy skin. Oh yes, and I see there's a button that automatically makes the sabre perform fancy Jedi moves. I'm going to make an assumption, here, and forgive me if this is way off the base, but... you're fat, aren't you, Fredward? Yes. I think you're a very fat man.

Aesthetics: 3/10
The aesthetic score is based on how cool you look while wielding the light sabre in question. In this case, our hypothetical Jedi isn't even in the same room as the light sabre, he's at home watching Gamera movies and stuffing cheeseburgers down his disgusting gullet. And that probably won't make it into the final cut of Star Wars Episode 3. Then again, I wouldn't be surprised.

Overall: 5 Kicked Arses
It was a toss up between 5 or 6. I gave him 5 as punishment for being fat.

INTERMISSION - I'm doing some data entry as I write this, and I've just discovered that there's a shop in Caboolture, Queensland called 'Just Brake Cables', which presumably sells nothing but brake cables. I bet whoever owns that place fucking lives for the day that someone breaks down outside and goes "God, if only there were a shop that sells brake cables around here."

Next up is AngeloGM's entry:

Functionality & Aesthetics: ?/10
Er... yes. You know, I don't... I don't think Angelo was paying attention. Much as it pains me to say this, 'cos this is very well drawn and probably took quite a while, but... this was kind of a competition to design a light sabre, Angelo mate, and no matter how much your axe that turns into a motorcycle is the very definition of kickarse, I can't really rate it properly. I'd like to help you, man, but if I let this one slip then next it'll be a scimitar that turns into nunchucks, or a pike that turns into Flash Gordon.

Overall: Schroedinger's Pants
I can't rate this in either kicked or unkicked arses, so here's an arse in a pair of pants. Until the pants are pulled down, the arse exists potentially in both the kicked and unkicked state. There is no way of knowing which one it is without pulling down the pants and collapsing the waveform. I'm pretty sure quantum theory comes into this somewhere. Fear the Quantum Pants!

Kristin is making her presence felt:

Functionality: 8/10
Lots of interesting stuff to spice up the fight. I like the smoke machine. Now you can fight an enemy Jedi while fantasising about being on stage with Aerosmith, or vice versa. Not sure about the rocket launcher, because, call me an old stick in the mud, a faceful of engine exhaust is the kind of new experience I could do without. Also, invisible laser blade. These things always SOUND cool right before you put them into practise, don't they. How are you supposed to deflect bullets with something you can't see? Combine that with the silencer and you're in trouble. After the fight, you'll forget it's turned on. You'll run the batteries down and knacker the carrying case.

Aesthetics: 6/10
It looks kind of like the Apollo 11 launch, as drawn by Timmy, age 6. Somehow, though, I get the impression that, had it been drawn professionally, it would look totally rockin'. That's just me.

Overall: 7 Kicked Arses
Kristin has earned her testicles, which is ironic when you think about it.

Robert Michael Shemilt hasn't left the building:

Functionality: 5/10
Wow! A port to install other add-ons? Aces! I'm going to plug in a fire-breathing robot ninja dressed like Zorro! This is the coolest fucking light sabre in the whole - hey! Waaaaait a minute! I think someone's pulling a fast one here. I'm sorry, but including as a gadget a port for installing more gadgets is like entering an unfertilised ovum at a dog show. You earn no points for gadgets that exist in potentia. I lost interest in quantum theory four paragraphs ago.

Apart from that, everything else can be summed up pretty easily: MEH.

Aesthetics: 3/10
I didn't think until today that there was any way to make the concept of a sword made out of laser boring, but look what I have to work with, people. It's a toilet roll holder with a Churro sticking out.

Overall: 4 Kicked Arses
I can be as petty as I like, bitch.

Michael Spithill is trying something different:

Functionality: 4/10
Injectable lightsabre. Interesting. I presume it's a solution of millions of really small lightsabres that can hack merrily away at the enemy from within. Now, never let it be said that I don't encourage taking things in a different direction, but I have to wonder. I have to wonder how Michael intends to grab his opponent, apply a tourniquet, sterilise part of their arm and inject his invention into the vein while the fellow is busy trying to chop him into coleslaw with a proper light saber.

Aesthetics: 5/10
I'm not ragging on your syringe, man. It's a pretty sweet syringe you've got there. I am, however, concerned about the object which you claim is your arm. Now, unless there are bowling balls and grapefruit in your ancestry, I would advise getting in touch with your local doctor as soon as possible to get that looked at. Do you go to fancy dress parties as a fruit basket?

Overall: 5 Kicked Arses
I mean, I can't even tell which bit's supposed to be the elbow.

Last day tomorrow! Until then, FEAR THE QUANTUM PANTS!

- Yahtzee

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23/6/04: Kickarse Light Sabre Showcase Week, Day 2

Those light sabres are still coming in, and I'm glad to say that most of them are improvements on some of yesterday's entrants. I hasten to stress the word 'most', of course. Let's start with one of the good ones, so I can save up some bile.

Amelia Q left this on my doorstep:

Functionality: 6/10
You remember Spacemonkey's effort yesterday, which I said looked like it had sacrificed style over function? Well, Amelia seems to have done the flip-reverse backward thing. It's certainly the prettiest light sabre I ever did see, but I have to wonder about that sphere thing. I'm not sure a sphere would deliver a thin, focussed beam. At best it'd make a big cone, leaving you waving around something that looks like a glowing bunch of flowers, and while that may be easier to deflect laser blasts with, there's no style to it at all. At worst, the universe would explode. Oh, and does that edible bit grow back, or is it just a one-off, like those lollipops you wear as a ring? Is it nougat? I like nougat. Six points.

Aesthetics: 10/10
If light sabres were sold in department stores, you could probably find this one somewhere between Perfumes and Exotic Nightwear. This is so totally designed by a woman. Look, you can choose what colour laser you want; now that's a commitment to aesthetics. You can be sure this dangerous weapon won't clash with your pretty princess ballgown! Look at it! Just look at it! It looks like something they use as a shampoo bottle on the mystic planet of Jebulon 12!

Overall: 8 Kicked Arses
It's cute as a button, but it probably wouldn't decapitate as well as it could. Which is a shame, because a severed head can be made into an attractive, horrifying ceiling light.

Sam Tritsch is wasting everyone's time next:

Functionality: 2/10 "Oh ho ho ho," thinks Sam Tritsch. "How crafty I shall be with my submission. I shall exploit Yahtzee's well-documented and sickening affection for Bruce Campbell! The prize is MINE! A ha ha ha ha!" No. No, no, no. Bruce Campbell kicks arse, but he only kicks so much when there's a green laser coming out of his arse. How could anyone wield a Bruce Campbell light sabre? I presume you'd hold him by the ankles and swing him about like a hammer throw, but that leaves no room for fancy fencing techniques. Moot point, anyway. You just try swinging Ash around by the ankles. He'd stick his boot so far up your arse you'd still be tasting shoe polish ten years down the line. Two points, and that's just because it's Ash. You wouldn't have had any at all had it been Jeff Daniels, or Dame Edna Everage. Aesthetics: 2/10 Had I not known it was supposed to be a light sabre, I'd have thought that space aliens were beaming Bruce Campbell up in order to isolate the kickass gene from his blood.

Overall: 2 Kicked Arses
And the arses being kicked are Sam's and his mum's. Out the door!

Say hello to Robin Bagust's weapon of choice:

Functionality: 4/10
Pirates are cool, but I'm sorry, I can't in good conscience give this a high score on the functionality scale. For one thing, the on switch is on the wrong side of the hilt, away from the finger guard. You can't turn it on without both hands. That's a crucial 0.5 of a second lost at the beginning of the Jedi duel for a start. I suppose what worries me most, though, is the peg leg attachment. So the end that the laser blade comes out of is the end we're supposed to jam into our diseased stumps? I'm not even going to talk about what a bad idea that is. I'll just say this, and leave the rest to your imaginations:

"FWSHHCHGRKRKSPLURCHAAAAAAAAAOHGOODFUCKINGCHRIST"

Aesthetics: 6/10
I'm glad to say that Robin managed to capture a light sabre without sacrificing the cutlass element. This is exactly the sort of thing you'd expect extremely well-dressed future space pirates to wield as they boarded their victims, swinging off their spaceships with a chorus of aharrs, then dying of explosive decompression.

Overall: 5 Kicked Arses
On the whole, a brave try. Just needed a little bit of beta testing before shipping.

Chyld is our next hero:

Functionality: 5/10
Well, let's see here. Either Chyld misheard and thought this was a 'design-a-truncheon' competition, or he's trying to say that he has a black laser blade. Due to the smoothness of the phallus and the highlight, I'm going to assume the former. I put my foot down and say you can't have a black laser blade outside of Bizarro World.

Aesthetics: 6/10
Skull motifs are always neat, but it looks more like a Punisher-themed sex aid than a light sabre.

Overall: 5 Kicked Arses
FullyRamblomatic.com does not condone the use of Jedi weapons for erotic purposes, however entertaining it would be to watch.

Ah, this is fun, isn't it. Alexei deBerner is next:

Functionality: 4/10
I dunno, this just doesn't work for me. Surely the whole point of a light sabre is that it's a more elegant weapon than a gun, and I don't think jamming the sabre down the barrel of a Glock will make any elegance rub off. It's like sticking flowers down your dick and hoping it'll make an appropriate anniversary present for your significant other. How are you supposed to pull off fancy lightsabre moves while the butt's on your shoulder, hm?

Interesting fun fact: a compass has so far been the most popular gadget in all the submitted designs. I guess lots of people feel that, in the middle of a pitched fight to the death, they'll suddenly really, really want to know where magnetic north is.

Aesthetics: 5/10
I suppose all guns make you look cool when you hold them in both hands, especially if you've just shot your way through a door and are silhouetted against the light as you say the killer one-liner. Unfortunately, the coolness of the situation rather relies on the gun being able to shoot things afterwards.

Overall: 4 Kicked Arses
I don't think Alexei knows that compasses don't work when they're held on their side. Sh! Don't tell him!

Cheesehead is ready to rock your world:

Functionality: 7/10
Gadgets! Yeah! And silk! Er... yeah! I like the flamethrower. For that crucial moment in the fight when you decide to let warrior code take a running jump! Bit worried about the keyring, though. What if your lightsabre was knocked out of your hand during the fight and your adversary is one of those smug twats who lets the loser go free? By the time you got home, bitter and tearful, you'd remember that you left your keys in the Circle of Oblivion. It could be what finally pushes you over the edge.

Anyway, I think I should clarify something - functionality of light sabres with decadent gadgets is rated in accordance with how useful the gadgets would be mid-battle. Who can find use for a grappling hook in a fight, except Rorschach from Watchmen or Scorpion from Mortal Kombat? And anyway, wouldn't the blade cut the rope? You have to think about these things, man. Oh, and I see a little computer installed there. God, some of you are such NERDS.

Aesthetics: 4/10
It's content over style again, I'm afraid, 'cos frankly it looks like poo. Extremely functional poo, oh yes, perhaps some of the finest poo around, but that doesn't distract from the fact that it's POO. Please don't come to Jedi training sessions carrying this, your teacher will single you out and embarrass you in front of the whole class. "Hey, Cheesehead! What're you doing with that poo? Didn't anyone tell you to bring a light sabre today?" Then he would laugh, like this: "Ha ha ha HAAAAARGH", because that's the point you let warrior code take a running jump.

Overall: 6 Kicked Arses
Probably deserved more, but I can't get over how pooey it looks.

And finally, this... thing, from Dave Hill:

Functionality: 0/10
Er... uh. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. And we were doing so well. Somehow, I get the feeling that young Dave is trying to provoke me. He should consider that mission well and truly successful. Let me say this. I am going to get you, Hill. It won't be for a while, possibly not even for years, but I will. I'm going to wait for you to forget about this warning. I'm going to let you think the threat is gone. Then, some day, you'll go to visit your dear old mother to find that someone has set fire to her and pushed her down the stairs. Police will be baffled, because the perpetrator left no evidence of his presence, except that one of your mother's photo albums has been stolen. Then I'll let you forget about me again. Wait a few more years. Get over the mourning. Until one day, you wake up to find your most embarrassing baby picture, together with your name and address, has been blown up 500 times and pasted over Big Ben.

Aesthetics: 0/10
I didn't even know MS Paint had a 'Vomit' tool.

Overall: 5 Unkicked Arses
Remember me, Dave Hill. Remember your nemesis.

More tomorrow!

- Yahtzee

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22/6/04: Kickarse Light Sabre Showcase Week, Day 1

Imagine my surprise when I got up this morning to find that some people had actually responded to my petty goading yesterday, wherein I hinted that, unless you design a light sabre, the 18th century will come and repossess your genitalia. Time was I practically had to pay people to respond to some request I made on the site. I guess I just pushed the right buttons this time.

Anyway, since they're here, I'll be posting the first four entries I received, and rate them based on Functionality and Aesthetics to produce an overall grade out of 10 kicked arses. We'll start with the entry from Ben 'spacemonkey' Hall, who may ring a bell with long-term readers:

Functionality: 8/10
USB port? USB PORT?! What is this, the fucking Earls Court computer trade show? Spacemonkey's such a god damn nerd. And as for the button that does nothing and that tinny-sounding speaker, this is supposed to be a FANTASY. Why not kickarse Blaupunkt stereos shrunken down to 1/16th normal size with magic space beams? I bet spacemonkey is the kind of person who thinks about Anne Robinson while masturbating.

Okay, okay, that was uncalled for. I suppose he did make an effort to include lots of decadent gadgets. And the finger guards and extra length probably make it far less unwieldy than mine. I do however question the point of including a cigarette lighter, when lighting your fag on the laser blade would be infinitely easier and more badass. Digital camera's a nice idea, though. Now you can take pictures of yourself as you try to light a cigarette with your light sabre and accidentally laser your eyes out.

Aesthetics: 3/10
It looks like a damn handlebar, for god's sake. Spacemonkey has clearly decided to sacrifice style in favour of function. Look, it's not even symmetrical. You know how some people are said to have been beaten with the ugly stick? This IS the ugly stick. I originally gave him 5 for effort, but knocked off two in protest of that self-portrait he included.

Overall: 5 Kicked Arses
For future reference, drawing a picture of your light sabre in action could help your entry as long as the person wielding it isn't Kevin Smith.

Our next entrant comes from Tyson McCamley:

Functionality: 2/10 I... I really don't know. All I can say is that Tyson had better have been whiffin' something pretty fucking exotic to excuse this mess. An ordinary light sabre lodged through the torso of a cartoon terrorist... I'm not even going to begin talking about what a bitch that will be to wield in pitched battle. I see no reason to give any score higher than ze - oh wait, I didn't notice the parasol. That changes things. Two points. Aesthetics: 0/10 Maybe it's just Tyson's drawing style, but I think a monkey with a brush taped to its arse could have made a better light sabre picture than this. The parasol looks like the kind of toadstool Mario would throw up after too much spinach tagliatelli.

Overall: 1 Kicked Arse
At last, a light sabre that keeps the rain off while your adversary systematically lops off all your arms and legs. Next.

Toby Liggins submitted this:

Functionality: 6/10
Finally. See what you get when you put a little bit of effort into things, class? Swiss army light sabre. Nice. Just a couple of minor quibbles, of course. One, there isn't one thing a Swiss army knife could cut better than a fucking laser blade. Two, the knives are all around the hilt, so if you press the wrong button in the middle of a pitched battle then you've lost a finger. Three, magnifying glass. Forgive me if I sound like a stuck record, but a light sabre really isn't something I want to put near my face.

But apart from those minor niggles, a jolly good try. If there's a corkscrew in that thing, this light sabre will make you the hero of the annual Jedi picnic.

Aesthetics: 8/10
I like it, I just do. While my design is undeniably kickass, I do readily admit that I went a bit overboard with the decoration, so Toby's more streamlined style is infinitely more tasteful. I just want to take that big ol' light sabre and eat ice cream from it.

Overall: 7 Kicked Arses
Seven people are walking funny because of Toby Liggins. Well done.

Last and by all means least, we have this from 'kjgfds esdf':

Functionality: 0/10
Do you ever get the feeling that someone just isn't trying? I do. If I were kjgfds's teacher, and if this were an assignment he'd handed in, I'd write "MUST TRY HARDER" all over it in red permanent marker. Then I'd put the word 'IDIOT' in his permanent record. And don't think it would just be a little piece of paper, either. It'd be a big 8x10 glossy with the word IDIOT picked out in pasta shells, and I'd sprinkle glitter all around it, and flag it with a post-it saying "FOR ATTENTION OF EVERYBODY". Then I would arrange for him to be buried alive. In poo.

Aesthetic: 0/10
Oh for fuck's sake. It looks like a great big dick. Not even a very well-drawn dick. It looks like a dick after a horrifically botched circumcision, or about ten minutes into a sex change operation.

Overall: 1 Unkicked Arse
I couldn't rate this without going into minus figures. So here you go. One arse that will never come anywhere near a boot in its life. An arse that will die a virgin, forever innocently wondering what it would have been like to have been kicked in the rosy cheeks while they were in their prime.

Ugh. Okay. These guys all now legally own their testicles, although some of them should probably put them up for adoption before the social services find out. Clearly some extra motivation is required. Okay, how about this. I'll take in your designs until Friday, showcasing entrants in this vein on each day until then. At the end of the week, the best lightsabre will be drawn decapitating the celebrity of the designer's choice. Give the name of your chosen celebrity when you send an entry, and only one entry per person, with the exception of Tyson and kjgfds above, who I'm giving a chance to redeem themselves.

Send 'em on in!

Or, go back to last week and find out what all this crap is about.

- Yahtzee

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